Cancel Netflix, stop buying Starbucks and cut out avocados: Young people's advice to anyone struggling with their mortgage

WORRIED about your mortgage costing a f**king fortune? Follow this invaluable financial advice which homeowners were all too keen to dish out to young people.

Cancel Netflix

Mortgages shooting up by hundreds of pounds is a daunting prospect. Cancelling the £6.99 payment you send to Netflix every month will barely make a dent in it and you’ll be without one of the few sources of joy in your otherwise shit life. But you told us to do this and it feels so good watching you realise how dumb it sounds.

Stop buying Starbucks

Why go out for an expensive coffee when you could make a less exciting one at home? Although when energy prices go up in a few weeks boiling the kettle will cost the same as a triple shot venti caramel latte. Maybe think about quitting coffee and sticking to water. On rainy days you can literally drink it for free.

Cut out avocados

How much does an avocado cost? By the media’s reckoning, somewhere in the region of £5,000 per gram. By cutting them out of your diet you’ll quickly save a fortune, unless the fruit is being used as a lazy scapegoat for deeper issues with the housing market. Which they are. You can buy two for £1.50 from Tesco. But don’t, you feckless spendthrifts!

Scale back your takeaways

What the f**k are you doing ordering a Deliveroo? Don’t you know an industrial-sized sack of oatmeal only costs a few pennies and can feed a family of five for a year? It’s a grim diet that will reduce you to an emaciated, toothless husk close to death, but at least you’ll be living within your means which is more important.

No more foreign holidays

Travelling abroad can be expensive, but if you own a house nobody seems to give you shit for spunking a few grand on a trip to Sri Lanka. Not anymore. Welcome to our world of misery where every financial decision you make is scrutinised and evaluated. Make do with sitting on your sofa and thinking about going on holiday instead. It’s incredibly cheap.

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Ah, she's f**king insane, realises Britain

LIZ Truss’s interviews this morning have reassured Britain that the worst possible outcome has indeed come to pass and their prime minister is insane.

A round of regional radio interviews broke it to the UK that their leader is unaligned with reality, unable to comprehend simple questions and burns with barely-concealed contempt for all lesser humans.

Wayne Hayes of Teesside said: “That’s settled it, then. She’s beyond mental and we’re all f**king doomed.

“In a way it’s a relief. I thought she might stutter through an unconvincing half-apology and we’d be stuck with a dangerously see-sawing incompetent. But insane you can work with.

“Hates the world for not bending to her will? Check. Hell-bent on punishing it? Yep. Even when she’s sitting atop a mountain of flaming corpses it won’t be enough? Undoubtedly.

“She’s so psychopathic I thought I was listening to a true crime podcast. The pauses weren’t her struggling for words. She was lost in fantasies of eviscerating her interviewers with a gutting hook.

“Essentially we’ve got an economic Putin at the wheel. Anyone who doesn’t liquidate their assets and flee the country only has themselves to blame.”