WORRIED about your mortgage costing a f**king fortune? Follow this invaluable financial advice which homeowners were all too keen to dish out to young people.
Mortgages shooting up by hundreds of pounds is a daunting prospect. Cancelling the £6.99 payment you send to Netflix every month will barely make a dent in it and you’ll be without one of the few sources of joy in your otherwise shit life. But you told us to do this and it feels so good watching you realise how dumb it sounds.
Stop buying Starbucks
Why go out for an expensive coffee when you could make a less exciting one at home? Although when energy prices go up in a few weeks boiling the kettle will cost the same as a triple shot venti caramel latte. Maybe think about quitting coffee and sticking to water. On rainy days you can literally drink it for free.
Cut out avocados
How much does an avocado cost? By the media’s reckoning, somewhere in the region of £5,000 per gram. By cutting them out of your diet you’ll quickly save a fortune, unless the fruit is being used as a lazy scapegoat for deeper issues with the housing market. Which they are. You can buy two for £1.50 from Tesco. But don’t, you feckless spendthrifts!
Scale back your takeaways
What the f**k are you doing ordering a Deliveroo? Don’t you know an industrial-sized sack of oatmeal only costs a few pennies and can feed a family of five for a year? It’s a grim diet that will reduce you to an emaciated, toothless husk close to death, but at least you’ll be living within your means which is more important.
No more foreign holidays
Travelling abroad can be expensive, but if you own a house nobody seems to give you shit for spunking a few grand on a trip to Sri Lanka. Not anymore. Welcome to our world of misery where every financial decision you make is scrutinised and evaluated. Make do with sitting on your sofa and thinking about going on holiday instead. It’s incredibly cheap.