Cat shows affection for owner by raking his face with razor-sharp claws

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

Six-year-old Mittens playfully left three deep cuts across Stephen Malley’s cheek in a spontaneous display of adoration after being lightly stroked.

He said: “It’s difficult with a cat. They’re so independent that you don’t always know how they feel about you, until something lovely like this.

“Sure, I feel that thrill of affection when she brings me dead birds but it’s been a while since I had one of those. Where’s my reward for feeding her and cleaning out her litter tray?

“I’ll confess that I was beginning to have my doubts. But all it took was a quick bit of laceration to be reminded that she really does love me after all.

“It made me cry.”

Mittens said: “I’m just glad my out-of-the-box thinking paid off. It felt like my carving uppercut was rolling the dice, but he took it in the spirit it was intended. We’re closer than ever now.”

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Your guide to buying presents for dads with no interests

DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude: 

Something for the garden

He’s not a proper gardener, so don’t go mad and spend more than £5 on the man who is 50 per cent responsible for you existing. A trowel isn’t the most scintillating item but once wrapped and handed to him it’s technically a present. If he’s already got one, it gives him something new to put in the shed.

An unfunny book

Don’t try too hard. He won’t read it. Generic toss churned out by a bored hack writer, such as Hilarious Blunders of History, ticks a box. The publishing industry is 90 per cent geared to the unwanted gift market, so there’s always a new edition of James May’s Shiniest Juggernauts.

A windscreen ice scraper

The dad present par excellence. The manufacturers of these dull items have started adding gimmicks like extra blades and brushes to fake new technological accomplishments in ice-scraping. If you really love him push the boat out and throw in a gallon of antifreeze too.

Beer in a gift pack

After a certain age, men are only interested in booze and nothing says ‘token gesture’ like a single bottle of lager with a glass. Don’t waste your time choosing interesting craft ales, Stella will do. It will be horribly overpriced for a frustratingly small amount of alcohol, so you’ve helped him drink responsibly.

A scarf

It’s hard to think of a more boring gift, but your mum will make him wear it rather than let his neck get cold. She’ll join the deceitful charade by saying ‘He loves that scarf you got him, he wore it today.’ F**k it, it was either that or Alan Shearer’s latest autobiography.

A doomed attempt to make him take up a hobby

You might think you’re being clever by getting him the basics of a proper hobby to make it easier to buy a present next year. However the homebrew kit or watercolour set will remain unused long after humans are extinct. Maybe a highly-evolved cockroach archaeologist dad of 22,000 AD will give it a go.