Here are some actual f**king jobs, UK tells Wills and Kate

BRITONS already weary of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s tour of the UK have suggested actual jobs they could do.

After the Royals turned up at a school with three reindeer for no good reason, the public have advised them to consult a recruitment agency for careers that serve some purpose.

Corporate accountant Donna Sheridan said: “They clearly have lots of free time or we wouldn’t constantly be subjected to this bullshit. Maybe they could enrol at their local college and get jobs in IT support?

“Visiting random locations on a train isn’t a job. The residents of Benefits Street led more structured lives. And they’d have more idea how to run a newsagent.”

Delivery driver Tom Logan said: “Prince William looks quite tall so he could easily be a copper. He’d be keeping the scum off the streets and the pension’s pretty good. And Kate’s fit enough for an all-night shopping channel so the world’s their oyster, really.

“If the Queen vetoes that, Kate could always become a PE teacher. She loves hockey and she’d get paid for it. ”

William and Kate were unavailable for comment on their future career options due to a pressing engagement delivering Christmas crackers to a Lanarkshire vole sanctuary.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The mental and physical health benefits of giving up completely

HAD enough? Can’t be bothered anymore? Here are the astonishing health benefits of no longer trying: 

You’ll get cuddlier

As your body succumbs to the ravages of four-cheese pizza followed by a duo of Gü puds, you’ll develop a warm outer layer perfect for cold winter nights. It’s a great way to avoid catching a chill, and potential partners will line up to save on heating bills.

Your stress levels will drop

As the quality of your work declines, fewer and fewer people will ask you to do anything and there’ll be no expectation that you’ll do it well. With no deadlines, your resulting day-to-day stress levels will be close to that of an obese indoor cat.

You’ll get more sleep

Thatcher only needed five hours of sleep a night, and look where that got her. Your new lifestyle will allow you to replenish much-needed melatonin, whether at 3pm on a Tuesday, noon on a Friday or 10.30am the following Monday.

You’ll live longer

Cycling, running, rock-climbing, crossing busy roads: every strenuous activity has its fair share of dangers. By packing it all in you dramatically decrease the likelihood that you’ll suffer any kind of life-threatening injury, because you’ll never leave the house.

You’ll build up a tolerance to daily poisons

By embracing the overwhelming temptation of booze, junk food and smoking weed, your body will build up a tolerance to the side-effects. Your system will soon adapt to and thrive on an intoxicated, sedentary lifestyle, giving you natural immunity. You’re sure to be one of those smokers who lives to be 101.