Man with no idea what to get girlfriend for Christmas just going to propose

A MAN who cannot think of anything to give his girlfriend for Christmas this year has decided to simply propose. 

Tom Logan has been with partner Emma Bradford for four years, and after considering options including a Nespresso machine and a Ralph Lauren handbag thought it would be easier to ask her to be his wife.

He said: “Emma’s so difficult to buy for. Most of the stuff she wants she just gets for herself. But not this.

“It came to me when I was browsing beauty gift sets at John Lewis, in despair, basically trying to find one that was the right price. Then I was like: wait. Hang on.

“With proposing, I know it’s something she definitely doesn’t already have and no-one else is going to get her. Is it something she wants? Probably?

“I’ve got a ring which was expensive enough to count as her birthday present too, which kills two birds with one stone, and I’ll propose on Christmas morning before we open our presents.

“I need to get the jump on her just in case she’s got me something fantastic, like a PS5. Proposing would look really shit after that.”

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'I'll cut off my own dick, don't think I won't,' Johnson threatens EU

BORIS Johnson has threatened the EU with severing his own penis unless he is given the free trade deal he wants. 

The prime minister held a carving knife above his member and told Ursula von der Leyen, president of the European Commission, that if she did not drop level playing field requirements he was not afraid to start cutting.

She said: “We had moved on from fishing rights onto the question of whether British citizens deserve employment rights – I believe they do – when Mr Johnson without warning dropped his trousers.

“He told me that unless I gave into his demands there and then, John Thomas was hitting the floor.

“I flinched, because though I am German I did not want to see this, which seemed to make him think his ultimatum was working. ‘I’ll do it,’ he said, ‘I’m a f**king madman. Now let’s talk maternity leave.’

“I said ‘But to cut das glied would be an act of self-harm-’ before he interrupted, shouting ‘No state aid limits! No tariffs! Full sovereignty now!’ and raised his knife hand high. I fled the room to his shouts of ‘I win!’

“Later he emailed me, with the subject line ‘This goes up Gove’s arse unless you give in on Northern Ireland’, and an attachment. I have not opened the attachment.”