A UNIVERSITY student has returned home for Christmas with an alternative and radical strain of the coronavirus, he has confirmed.
Jordan Gardner has just finished his first term of a Film and English Literature BA at Bristol and gone back to his home town with a daring and novel strain of the virus that only free spirits who have recently gone vegan can contract.
He explained: “Going to uni has opened my eyes, and my immune system, to new realities.
“Sure there are cases here in Stevenage, but everyone around here has got what I like to call ‘cookie-cutter’ Covid. It’s literally nothing like what me and the people in my halls have been going through.
“As well as coughing and fever, I’ve been experiencing severe malaise — malaise about society, malaise about capitalism.
“I’ve found that the only cure is sleeping in until 2pm, reading the existentialists, getting my eyebrow pierced and keeping others away by being witheringly patronising.”
Asked if he was worried about passing the illness on to his parents, Jordan snorted: “Please. They don’t even know what intersectional feminism is.”