Student returns home with quirky, individual strain of Covid

A UNIVERSITY student has returned home for Christmas with an alternative and radical strain of the coronavirus, he has confirmed. 

Jordan Gardner has just finished his first term of a Film and English Literature BA at Bristol and gone back to his home town with a daring and novel strain of the virus that only free spirits who have recently gone vegan can contract.

He explained: “Going to uni has opened my eyes, and my immune system, to new realities.

“Sure there are cases here in Stevenage, but everyone around here has got what I like to call ‘cookie-cutter’ Covid. It’s literally nothing like what me and the people in my halls have been going through.

“As well as coughing and fever, I’ve been experiencing severe malaise — malaise about society, malaise about capitalism.

“I’ve found that the only cure is sleeping in until 2pm, reading the existentialists, getting my eyebrow pierced and keeping others away by being witheringly patronising.”

Asked if he was worried about passing the illness on to his parents, Jordan snorted: “Please. They don’t even know what intersectional feminism is.”

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Nigella Lawson and five other people who have never, ever farted

THERE are the disgusting, flatulent multitudes who blow off all the time, and those who roam the earth like perfect, wind-free angels. Here are six of them: 

Nigella Lawson

Despite gorging herself on rich, creamy food from breakfast to midnight, the bum cheeks of the UK’s most alluring chef have never been tarnished by anything as base as a fart. Indeed, many believe that she does not even shit.

Gwyneth Paltrow

The holistic diet and physique of flawless Paltrow, combined with stuffing orifices with jade eggs, have allowed her to waft through life gut-odour free even though she’s vegan. However, she is a frustrated non-farter. You can see in her eyes she’s desperate for the joy of releasing a real window-rattler.

The Princess of Wales

Only the fair maiden who hath ne’er broke wind could win the hand of the prince who is heir to Britain’s throne, and win it she did. Meghan, however, farts like a squaddie after Curry Club. She and Harry only left the UK because they were sick of Kate pointedly opening windows. She’s a major factor in climate change.

Topsy and Tim’s mum from Cbeebies

A patient angel of good parenting, this lady has definitely never let one rip during family movie night. And even if she did, it would smell like a punnet of Waitrose cherries.

Sir Keir Starmer

Despite being raised in a working-class area where everyone around him farted from dawn to dusk, Keir dared to dream of better and held them in. Now, as a successful barrister and knight of the realm, he has promised to make Britain a country free of flatus.

Russell Brand

Used to fart, back in his dissolute heroin-addicted days, but after a year at a fart detox spa now meditates, treats his own guts as an equal, and is completely in control of his own anal emissions. Believes we all should be too, the condescending prick.