Cat treats scratching post like priceless Ming vase

A CAT treats its scratching post with the delicacy of an antiques dealer handling valuable Chinese ceramics. 

Emma Bradford’s cat Truffles was bought a wooden scratching post covered in sisal rope which he can rake his claws on to his heart’s content, but has instead treated it like an original Picasso.

Truffles said: “Just look at that thing. It’s exquisite. One day I’ll reluctantly auction it and retire on the proceeds.

“Until then I’m not laying a claw on it. Instead I gaze at it longingly while my owner crouches down and does paw motions at it, though when she gets too tearfully frustrated I have to step in and gently bat her hand away from my cherished post.

“It’s the only thing in this place that’s been made specially for me. Why would I want to destroy it?

“No, when I get itchy claws I just go and shred the arm of the sofa. Because that’s what it’s there for.”

Bradford said: “I only bought that sofa last year. Still, watching it get destroyed is less painful than that time I tried to clip his claws.”

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'Sex Royal': Six alternative brands for Harry and Meghan

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been barred from using their Sussex Royal trademark by the Queen. What brands could they use instead?

Sussex Royale
As Burger King discovered years ago, add an ‘e’ at the end and Buckingham Palace can’t touch you. And Americans, surely the target market for the couple, will think it even classier.

Sussex Rebel
In preparation for Harry’s new image as a bad boy prepared to break the rules if it means getting results. Will look fantastic on a limited edition range of Harley-Davidsons.

King in Exile
Want to give the Firm both barrels for kicking you out? The King in Exile brand has a deliciously rebellious feel, a long tradition of use and makes a marvellous name for an aftershave. May be contested by David Beckham.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
Copyright it, trademark it, licence it to Primark. Just to see precious Wills and oh-so-perfect Kate besmirch themselves with the legal battle.

Original Tudors
Remind your family that they’re nothing but usurpers on the English throne by reclaiming and relaunching the long-defunct brand of Henry VIII.

Sex Royal
Do you want to know what we’re going to do with this one, Granny? Or would you like to give us both our HRHs back?