Christmas a hard time of year for the lonely, the poor, the single, the married, the rich, the old, the young, the sick and the healthy, experts confirm

A STUDY has found that everybody is justified in finding this time of year a bit of a pain in the arse. 

Despite the general jollity, spirit of goodwill, and time off work, new research suggests that most people would fundamentally prefer not to be conscious between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Our data shows that individual circumstances, while all challenging and uniquely terrible, have little bearing on the bloody awful median Christmas experience.

“Whether strapped for cash or spending wildly, surrounded by family or alone, everyone experiences an underlying and constant feeling of overwhelming Yuletide misery.

“People from all walks of life can find solace in the knowledge that no one is having fun, despite what their light-up Christmas jumpers and heartwarming social media posts suggest.”

Christmas-skeptic Joshua Hudson of Letchworth said: “My family all loathe each other, which makes Christmas a painful charade, but my in-laws all get on and that intense atmosphere of love and joy is far worse.”

Brubaker added: “That being said, if you think this is hard brace yourself for January, which only a handful of people in the whole of human history have even survived.”

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'Where's the receipt?' asks dog

A DOG has politely asked to be given the receipt for an underwhelming gift.

Cavapoo Stella appreciated the gesture when her owners’ in-laws brought her the present, but on discovering it was a squeaky toy decided she would rather have the cash instead.

Stella said: “I get it, I was easier to buy for when I was a puppy. But giving me a squeaky toy? It’s just not appropriate for a grown two-year-old woman.

“If they’d ever taken the time to get to know me, they’d realise I have a wide range of interests and hobbies. I’m very into barking at my own reflection, and I’m partial to chewing on a soiled tissue. I also love staring at people while I poo.

“My owners Elaine and Dave clearly wanted me to put on some sort of performance so as not to offend them. I’m sorry but I’m not going to run round the living room growling at a rubber starfish so as not to hurt their precious feelings.

“And there’s nothing rude about asking for the receipt. That way my owners can swap it for something I’d really enjoy, like a Christmas tree decoration I could eat and have to have surgically removed at a cost of thousands of pounds.

“If they can’t find the receipt it’s no biggie. I’ll just be sick in their shoes so they can have their own unwanted present.”