AS an adult you know that family and friends are the true meaning of Christmas. But you’re still mentally scarred by never receiving these gifts.
Shiny red go kart
The trauma from never getting this left an impression like the sled in Citizen Kane. Your dying words will be ‘shiny red go kart’, much to the confusion of your surviving relatives. Maybe you should actually have told your parents you wanted one instead of relying on their mind-reading abilities.
Buzz Lightyear
This was the must-have gift of Christmas 1995. It was 12 inches tall, had voice commands read by Tim Allen, and boasted an impressive wingspan. It was also like gold dust which is why you never got it. Plus you were in your mid 20s at the time so it would have been a bit tragic.
Stomper trucks
Pushing a little toy truck along was too much effort for your tiny hands, but Stompers drove themselves with the help of a single AA battery. That’s what you’ve heard anyway – you never got one. Instead your shit-for-brains parents got you a complete set of Empire Strikes Back figures, the stupid generous twats.
Pet Rock
There was no way your parents were going to fork out for something you could pick up off the ground for free. And rightly so. If pet rocks came out now you’d slam them for being an ironic Gen Z gimmick, but you genuinely wanted one, your child’s brain not understanding the concept of ‘blatant money-making fad’.
Atari 2600
Consoles evolve so fast your parents thought it would be a risk to splash out on an Atari 2600. Even if it had a cool conversion of Space Invaders which is all you really wanted. Instead you had to make do with your crappy Fairchild Channel F and its lacklustre catalogue of educational ‘Videocarts’, including the enticing ‘Math Quiz’.
