Christmas presents of yesteryear you're still bitter about not getting

AS an adult you know that family and friends are the true meaning of Christmas. But you’re still mentally scarred by never receiving these gifts.

Shiny red go kart

The trauma from never getting this left an impression like the sled in Citizen Kane. Your dying words will be ‘shiny red go kart’, much to the confusion of your surviving relatives. Maybe you should actually have told your parents you wanted one instead of relying on their mind-reading abilities.

Buzz Lightyear

This was the must-have gift of Christmas 1995. It was 12 inches tall, had voice commands read by Tim Allen, and boasted an impressive wingspan. It was also like gold dust which is why you never got it. Plus you were in your mid 20s at the time so it would have been a bit tragic.

Stomper trucks

Pushing a little toy truck along was too much effort for your tiny hands, but Stompers drove themselves with the help of a single AA battery. That’s what you’ve heard anyway – you never got one. Instead your shit-for-brains parents got you a complete set of Empire Strikes Back figures, the stupid generous twats.

Pet Rock

There was no way your parents were going to fork out for something you could pick up off the ground for free. And rightly so. If pet rocks came out now you’d slam them for being an ironic Gen Z gimmick, but you genuinely wanted one, your child’s brain not understanding the concept of ‘blatant money-making fad’.

Atari 2600

Consoles evolve so fast your parents thought it would be a risk to splash out on an Atari 2600. Even if it had a cool conversion of Space Invaders which is all you really wanted. Instead you had to make do with your crappy Fairchild Channel F and its lacklustre catalogue of educational ‘Videocarts’, including the enticing ‘Math Quiz’.

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Six Christmas movies to remind you that you’ve failed in life and love

WATCHING feel-good films that remind you how badly your life is going is a Christmas tradition. Here are some favourites to make you miserable:

Home Alone (1990)

A kid who gets abandoned by his parents and is preyed on by a pair of scary criminals still has a more magical and enjoyable Christmas than you’ll ever manage. Try to stem the flow of those self-pitying tears for long enough to enjoy the slapstick violence.

Elf (2003)

A 40-year-old man who thinks he is an elf trying to reunite with an absent father doesn’t sound like an ideal family dynamic. However, at least they end up loving each other, which is more than can be said for your strained relationship with your dad.

Die Hard (1988)

Are you having a worse Christmas than a divorced policeman who is still in love with his ex-wife and has to save her from an unhinged terrorist? Do you wish you could get your ex back in a similarly heroic manner but she’s spending this year with her new, younger boyfriend? Maybe switch off now before you get any stupid ideas.

The Holiday (2006)

Comparing yourself to attractive people having a romantic time in beautiful locations will remind you that your face is passable at best, you haven’t had sex since last April and you live in a tiny flat in a grubby city. Also, don’t kid yourself that turning up at someone’s house pissed and flirting with them is charming. It’s only charming if you look like Jude Law.

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

A 75-year-old black and white film about a desperately unhappy man sounds like something you can favourably compare your life with. Until you watch it, and realise that the protagonist is a way better person than you’ll ever be and deserves his happy ending. Cut your losses and stick Requiem For A Dream on. You can’t fail to count your blessings after watching that.