Family in grip of terrible inability to stop eating

A FAMILY are unable to stop eating handfuls of turkey, mince pies and Quality Street despite not being remotely hungry.

The O’Connors developed the problem on Christmas afternoon as one by one they felt their unwilling fingers reaching out for another After Eight as if propelled by magical forces.

Dad Oliver said: “It came over me so quickly. One minute I was saying I was so full I’d never eat again, and quarter of an hour later I’d unknowingly shoved five mini yule logs down my throat.

“Since then, I can’t do anything without a handful of cheesy footballs or chocolate fingers on hand. Last night I got up for a piss and instead found myself in the kitchen gorging on cold pigs-in-blankets.

“Do I need to eat a fig and sultana cracker smeared with pâté and topped with Brie and piccalilli? No, it’s obviously disgusting, but I can’t stop.

“We’re eating ourselves out of house and home. All we’ve got left is three plates of turkey, a freezer full of Aldi canapés, a tupperware of cake, six tins of biscuits and a whole ham.”

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Seven solid rejoinders to 'Boris is trying his best'

YOU’RE meeting lots of relatives this Christmas and at least one of them will come out with ‘Boris is trying his best’. Here’s how to reply: 

‘That’s something you’d say about a six-year-old attempting to clean up the mess they made when accidentally crapping on the bathroom floor. Are we accepting that’s his level?’

‘He is trying his very, very best, and the poor fella’s clearly struggling. There comes a time when all the trying in the world can’t make you into a good prime minister. I think it would be kinder if we told him to stop.’

‘Then his best is f**king abysmal. His best is lying about wallpaper, buggering up lockdowns, holding parties and shitting in the sea. His best is my worst.’

‘Are we absolutely sure he couldn’t do better? If he really tried? If, for example, he stopped acting like nothing was his fault and combed his hair and bought a suit that fitted? Can we not dare to dream?’

‘He’s trying his best and he didn’t ask for this. Except he did a bit, didn’t he, when he wanted to run the country? That kind of comes with accepting things might go a bit wrong. When 9/11 happened you didn’t see George W Bush go ‘Oh my God, that is so unfair.’

‘Would he like a participation trophy, like the millennials have? For trying so hard? Because I think the ‘best prime minister’ prize might be a little beyond him.’

‘Do, or do not. There is no try. Perhaps he should stop trying so hard and just trust his instincts, they’ve never let him down, apart from all those affairs and getting women pregnant and destroying his marriage and Brexit. Actually, maybe not.’