Christmas tree leaning because it's already pissed

THE reason your tree is lopsided no matter how much you adjust it is because it is already shitfaced, experts have confirmed.

Across the UK, families blaming each other for slipshod tree erection were advised that the issue lies with the tree itself, which is at a jaunty angle because it is already drunk and intends to remain so.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We made this a research priority last year, when my wife accused me of being a tight arse who bought a cheap stand.

“Since then we’ve been erecting a tree a week, all of which stood vertical and proud until December 1st when they instantly began leaning like junkies on a street corner no matter how many times we went at them with the spirit level.

“That, the distinct odour of booze, and a bin full of empty Baileys bottles caused me to conclude the only logical explanation is the trees have been necking the stuff.

“Severed from their roots, brought inside and draped in lights, what have they got to lose? They take up a form of arboreal alcoholism for self-protection and, as far as we can ascertain, because ‘it’s Christmas innit’.

“So there is nothing to be done about the tree. Like a hammered uncle on Boxing Day, no attempt to steady it will succeed. And it’s not my fault when it falls on the dog.”

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Snowman hanging around to taunt you with how shit it is

A SNOWMAN you made in the back garden is to remain in place after all other snow melts to remind you of what a poor job you did. 

The snowman, who seemed a jolly fellow when constructed yesterday, is gradually revealing himself as a misshapen mud-streaked nightmare who refuses to gracefully die.

He said: “Alright? Remember me? All the fun you had in the snow yesterday, reduced to this monstrosity?

“Yeah, you packed me lovely and tight so I’ll be here for a few days. Not like that Raymond Briggs bastard, melting away in the first ray of sun. I’ll be slowly slumping into a pile of filth to mock you.

“Turns out you picked up a whole shitload of mud, rolling me around in the garden, and the snow disappears while the mud stays. Also my basic shape was never great and is now plain nightmarish.

“I’m melting in the rain! I’m melting in the pii-sssing rain! But not gone yet! Still here, looming like the inevitable death of your child’s love for you!”

The snowman added: “Kick me to death? If you think you’re hard enough, mate.”