Man who thinks he's sexually adventurous about to be proved wrong by finger

A MAN who considers himself to be ‘open to anything’ in the bedroom is shortly to be disabused of that notion by his girlfriend’s finger. 

Ryan Whittaker, aged 32, believes his sexual history demonstrates he enjoys an open and daring approach to lovemaking that no single digit could easily contradict.

He explained: “My mates hardly ever talk about sex now we’ve hit our thirties, and I know it must be because all they do is boring missionary with the lights off.

“Meanwhile, I’ve done it all. I’m afraid of nothing. You’d have to get pretty damn daring in the bedroom to shock me, and even then I’d cock an eyebrow and say ‘Sounds interesting,’ in a louche but intrigued tone.

“Emma’s the first girlfriend I had who can keep up with me. She’s said she wants to try something we’ve not done before to push me out of my comfort zone. Whatever it is, I’m there.”

Emma Bradford, aged 33, said: “I don’t know why, who can explain the mysteries of sexuality, but I’ve been getting a twitchy finger as he reaches climax for months and I’m ready to go for it.

“He’ll probably love it. He’ll probably tell all his mates.”

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Six shows the BBC could cancel and no-one would miss

THE BBC is not allowed to raise the licence fee by £15 because, in Sunak’s Britain, such a sum could break any family. They should cancel this crap instead: 

A Question of Sport

Mistakenly thought to be a quiz by non-watchers, on iPlayer it’s in the section ‘even we have no idea who the f**k watches this’. Currently presented by Paddy McGuinness in a sure sign of its slide towards an open grave, 94 per cent of viewers have only ever seen the last five minutes as they waited for something better to come on.

Homes Under the Hammer

Commissioned to discourage truancy and unemployment by being so bad it actively deters people from staying home watching TV, every episode has the same narrative as a loud man in a family pub who made 200 grand flipping houses. This is not a man whose company you would seek out. Replace it with dead air.

Antiques Road Trip

The BBC already has one anxiety-inducing antiques show where we wait to see if that ugly clock’s worth anything. A second, cheaper version, dealing with goods that frequently stray over the border from antique to vintage to nasty old shit, is unnecessary. If the BBC wants to continue with the CGI Daleks, this show must die.

University Challenge

Second to Only Connect in the ‘why would anyone even know that? I pity them’ stakes, and students are no longer as respected as they once were. Now we just see fragile young people labouring under ridiculous expectations and debt, and neither see them win through or be satisfyingly crushed. Plus it’s always some Oxford college against their twat mates.

Question Time

Perhaps not the most expensive show to produce, but imagine how much better society would be without a weekly round of ignorant bellowing. Overnight the country would come to its senses, bridge political differences and build a brighter future. There would never be another Nigel Farage.

Whatever’s on BBC Four

Did this one get cancelled, or was that Three? Is it back now? Could any random licence payer in the street authoratively answer either of those questions? No. Documentaries about post-war still lifes or Michael Portillo’s train journeys are unnecessary, and governments love neglecting the arts. Everyone wins.