KEIR Starmer has set out to appeal to Home Counties Conservatives by revealing he dresses as Margaret Thatcher and chokes himself to orgasm.
The Labour leader is attempting to broaden his appeal to traditional Tory voters in Blue Wall seats by admitting he regularly blacks out after spattering his television in spunk while it plays Falklands War speeches on repeat.
Margaret Gerving, a retired headteacher from Surrey, said: “Hmm. Well I wasn’t sure, but he’s winning me around.
“Knowing he’s an ordinary, decent chap like us – a top lawyer, a knight of the realm, a man who isn’t afraid to admit he dresses in a royal blue twinset and beats his own balls with a handbag until shooting off uncontrollably shouting ‘Rejoice’ – changes things.
“You can’t have a prime minister who isn’t psychosexually obsessed with our greatest leader. Blair used to make Cherie wear a Thatcher wig. Cameron candidly admitted wanking at Eton to her with a hot iron inches above his dick. And Boris? Say no more.
“So if this Starmer’s telling the truth about only being able to climax by while lashing himself across the buttocks while her portrait gazes disapprovingly down, he’ll win votes in the stockbroker belt. That’s blue-chip perversion. We at the WI thoroughly approve.”
Starmer said: “All I have to do is think of a devastated Welsh mining community and my cock’s so hard you could hang a suit off it. And I do.”