I dress up as Thatcher and strangle myself until I ejaculate, says Starmer in appeal to middle England

KEIR Starmer has set out to appeal to Home Counties Conservatives by revealing he dresses as Margaret Thatcher and chokes himself to orgasm. 

The Labour leader is attempting to broaden his appeal to traditional Tory voters in Blue Wall seats by admitting he regularly blacks out after spattering his television in spunk while it plays Falklands War speeches on repeat.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headteacher from Surrey, said: “Hmm. Well I wasn’t sure, but he’s winning me around.

“Knowing he’s an ordinary, decent chap like us – a top lawyer, a knight of the realm, a man who isn’t afraid to admit he dresses in a royal blue twinset and beats his own balls with a handbag until shooting off uncontrollably shouting ‘Rejoice’ – changes things.

“You can’t have a prime minister who isn’t psychosexually obsessed with our greatest leader. Blair used to make Cherie wear a Thatcher wig. Cameron candidly admitted wanking at Eton to her with a hot iron inches above his dick. And Boris? Say no more.

“So if this Starmer’s telling the truth about only being able to climax by while lashing himself across the buttocks while her portrait gazes disapprovingly down, he’ll win votes in the stockbroker belt. That’s blue-chip perversion. We at the WI thoroughly approve.”

Starmer said: “All I have to do is think of a devastated Welsh mining community and my cock’s so hard you could hang a suit off it. And I do.”

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Boss giving presentation thinks he's doing a f**king TED talk

A MANAGER giving a presentation to 20 bored employees is under the misguided impression he is delivering a dazzling TED talk.

Nathan Muir, who is outlining the post-Christmas targets at his business’s strategy away day, is pacing up and down in a black polo and grey chinos as if he is a Silicon Valley CEO speaking to an audience of millions.

Campaigns manager Helen Archer said: “It began when he asked for the headset and belt-worn battery mike. That was six weeks ago. It’s spiralled from there.

“His entire job is to deliver a series of unattainable numbers to an audience manfully holding back groans. Instead he’s begun by discoursing on how the spice trade of the first millennium ‘civilised the world’, and I’m struggling to see the relevance.

“He’s asking for contributions on how our mission will disrupt exploitative paradigms and change society. We sell car parts in and around Solihull. Nobody’s sure how to answer.”

Colleague William McKay said: “He scrapped his Powerpoint in favour of a single black slide with a white question mark. I wondered how that would work when his brief is to share the 2024 financial forecast. And the answer is now clear: it doesn’t.

“He asked for questions when he’d finished. Leanne asked if the buffet was a Christmas buffet or just a normal one.”