'Cocaine's great' says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes

A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.

Wayne Hayes consumed the drug in a pub toilet, which did not affect his view of how glamorous it is even slightly, and proceeded to tell everyone how much he liked it.

He continued: “Coke’s great, you know? It’s really great. Like really great.

“Probably that’s why it’s so expensive, I mean, like what? Didn’t it used to be fifty quid? Not eighty? Pretty sure I can afford it. I’ll check my balance in the AM.

“Anyway what was I talking about. Coke, right. There’s the ethical shit going on with it like these stabbings or whatever but it’s just worth it, yeah? In the moment.

“Scuse me. Just nipping to the loo. If you know what I mean.”

Barmaid Francesca Johnson said: “I’m getting that he likes coke. Anyone else?”

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Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child

A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing. 

The parents, who have paid £9.50 each for tickets in addition to the £5 per lesson for 12 weeks of rehearsals, all sat and waited dutifully through hours of indifferent dancing before their child’s brief appearance.

Father Nathan Muir said: “The Oscars is shorter. Or it seems it.

“How many children are there at this dance academy? And how are they all so fucking terrible at dancing, apart from that one girl who, I found out on her fifth solo dance, is the lead instructor’s teenage daughter?

“I’ve seen ballet, street dance, tap, hip hop done by white seven-year-olds who hopefully had no idea what those lyrics were about, jazz, breakdance and cheerleading.

“I barely even recognised our Kayla when she came on, caked in make-up, dancing to something from The Greatest fucking Showman. But I whipped my phone out just in time to record the whole thing, never to watch it again.

“I worked out later it cost me 80p for every second she was on stage. Lapdancers are cheaper.”