Cornwall was great, says liar

A MAN who claimed his family holiday in Cornwall was great is obviously lying, it has been confirmed.

Tom Logan insisted the trip was ‘amazing’ despite all objective evidence to the contrary.

Logan said: “Francesca decided we should stay in the UK this year, what with having small kids and the pound being so weak. I went along with it because I said I’d look into something non-shit but then didn’t.

“I enjoyed paying £2,000 for a week in a tired-looking cottage where I bumped my head on the f**king stairwell every day. And I loved eating out in crowded pubs with lots of other people from Surrey.

“In no way did I miss the kind of travelling we did before we had kids, like that trip to Bali when we had a threesome under a waterfall, before drinking mojitos until we vomited.”

Francesca said: “I’m just going to throw away these old Lonely Planets. They’ll be out of date by the time Tom needs them again.”

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The celebrity’s guide to shagging someone much younger

ARE you a celebrity with lots of money who fancies going out with someone much younger? It’s a great idea that can never go wrong, so here’s how to do it.

Aim for a ridiculous age gap
You’re clearly going to be together for ages, so opt for a much younger girlfriend or toyboy to avoid the hassle of replacing them in 10 years.

Don’t worry about having totally different interests
Opposites attract, so it’s absolutely fine if you’re into things like fishing or staying in to watch A Touch of Frost and they think that David Jason has been dead for at least 20 years.

Dress to impress
It’s important to pretend you’re young, and that means super-tight skinny jeans. Ideally you should resemble a figure a small child has made from a knobbly potato with pipe cleaners for legs.

Try not to be deeply strange in private
In the unlikely event of you splitting up it’s possible your partner will reveal personal details to the press. Stop doing things like saving money-off coupons despite having £5 million in the bank, or referring to your penis as ‘the love baguette’.