Couple eat so f**king late

A COUPLE eat their dinner so f**king late it is unbelievable, their friends have confirmed. 

Joe and Laura Turner regularly sit down for their evening meal when the time has reached double figures even on a weeknight, a practice which is viewed with utter bemusement.

Friend Tom Booker said: “They haven’t got kids so they don’t have to eat before six o’clock or base all their meals around fish fingers like we do, which I envy them for.

“But last week I called Joe at well past 10pm to see if he fancied going on GTA Online, and he said ‘Ah, we’re just sitting down for our dinner at the moment.’ My wife was already asleep in bed.”

Joanna Kramer agreed: “I’ve been round there for dinner on a work night and they don’t serve up until 11pm. By that time I’m so knackered I can barely get the fork in my mouth.

“Like, they’re not f**king Spanish. Where do they get off? The only way it’s acceptable to eat that late is if you’re blind pissed and it’s a kebab from a van.”


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UK enjoying lovely day of hot weather while all hot weather activities banned

BRITAIN is looking forward to another day of sweltering weather with all swimming pools closed, beaches overcrowded, and beer gardens dicey at best. 

Across the country, Britons are looking out at the blazing sunshine and asking themselves what the f**k they are meant to do about it given the whole Covid thing.

Helen Archer said: “I could go out and sunbathe in my bikini in a park, if I wanted to be one of those kind of twats.

“Otherwise what is there? Picnic by a river? It’ll be heaving with dickheads. Beach? I’ll be on the front page of the Mail being one of the arseholes I tut about.

“Pub? Not unless I want my entire area locked down. Open-air pool? Should have booked in June, mate.

“And wild swimming might be very cool and organic and just the thing for Guardian-reading tits like me, but people drown. And that isn’t an otter bobbing mere feet from your face. It’s a turd.

“At least when it was sunny at the office you had air-conditioning. As far as I’m concerned the glorious weather can f**k right off.”