Couple excited to invite friends round for a drink and a piss in their garden

A COUPLE are looking forward to lockdown easing enough to have friends over for a drink in their garden and a wee behind the shed.

Nikki and Steve Hollis are planning an elegant socially distanced cocktail party for six carefully chosen friends, who will be invited to take a slash somewhere outside when their bladders get too full.

Nikki Hollis said: “It’ll be lovely to see everyone again, but obviously we can’t let them in the house to use the toilet in case they spread coronavirus around.

“However, they’re welcome to make use of any discreet areas of the garden, for example the compost bin or the bit behind the garage that’s full of broken glass and nettles.

“Tom’s planning a barbecue with his signature spicy piri-piri chicken, which, combined with vast quantities of Prosecco, could lead to some people needing something more substantial than a wee.

“In that case, we’ll be sending them next door to use Mr Bishop’s lawn. His dog has crapped in our garden enough times, so we’re just returning the favour.”

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Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they're not even injured

FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.

Premier League clubs have confirmed that footballers are still picking up their astronomical wages despite the most strenuous part of their day currently being ‘having sex with a pop star again’.

Sheffield United midfielder Wayne Hayes said: “I already thought being a footballer was the best job in the world, but since coronavirus came along it’s got even better.

“Not only do I still get paid a shitload of money and continue to be revered by men and women alike, but now I don’t even have to knacker my hamstrings playing football anymore.”

Football fan Tom Logan said: “I want to hate him, but I can’t. If anything, I admire footballers not playing football even more than when they were playing football.

“At least this way they can’t let me down by not being very good at it.”