Couple insist underfloor heating won't change them

A COUPLE who have just had underfloor heating installed are claiming they will not let it go to their heads.

James and Elizabeth Bates say they are fundamentally the same people despite now having tubes of warm water underneath their kitchen floor.

Elizabeth said: “I’m still good old Liz. I still have the same interests and principles. It’s just now I have them with warm feet.

“I popped into Lidl this afternoon as usual when I needed a few bits. I still made small talk with the guy on the checkout, even though the gormless expression on his face told me he is probably too poor and uneducated to have underfloor heating.”

James said: “I’m not ‘better’ than people who have to wear slippers, although one does have to question why they don’t have underfloor heating. Do they have a drug problem? Are they illiterate? It’s a bit of a red flag.

“If we’ve done our job as parents, our children won’t even notice the change. Yes, we’ve stopped them playing at friends’ houses if the parents don’t have underfloor heating. But that’s not snobbery, that’s just because we don’t want our kids being dragged down to lowest common heating system.”

Former friend of the couple, Susan Traherne said: “I really like James and Elizabeth, so it was a real shame that I had to sever ties with them five years ago when I got underfloor heating. It’s great that I can reach out again!”

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World takes day off to have a good laugh

THE entire planet has sacked today off to have a laugh at Donald Trump’s expense, it has emerged.

The verdicts of guilty on all 34 counts of falsifying business records are so hilarious that an impromptu worldwide holiday is necessary to fully enjoy Trump’s misfortune.

Tom Booker from Liverpool, wiping tears from his eyes, said: “I could have carried on working if one or two verdicts came back as guilty. But all 34? No, that’s just not possible.

“I might’ve been able to keep a straight face if I’d just focused on spreadsheets. But as soon as the conversation went anywhere near the trial we’d be overwhelmed by the hilarity of the pompous orange arsehole getting what he deserves.

“Better to get it out of our systems at home. Sure, the markets will plummet and supply chains will stop delivering food and medicines, but it’ll be worth it. Future generations will look back on our collective glee and say ‘Fair enough.’ They’d have done the same.”

Nikki Hollis from Sydney said: “We all needed this, what with everything else going on in the world. It’s like the moon landing of schadenfreude. I almost feel like I should thank Trump for giving me the biggest, side-splitting laugh of my life.

“If anything I’m worried that a mere 24 hours won’t be long enough to express the joy I’m feeling. Thank Christ we’re heading into the weekend.”