Couple on wholesome New Year's walk still high

A COUPLE enjoying a bracing walk to welcome the new year are still off their faces from last night.

Ryan Whittaker and Lauren Hewitt began 2021 by blacking out at the end of a narcotics-heavy night in, before waking up fully dressed on the carpet at midday and heading out for an invigorating walk.

Whittaker said: “Just because we’re still gurning, it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the fresh air and sheer beauty of the open countryside.

“This is really going to blow the cobwebs away. And, hopefully, the remnants of these class A’s that are still coursing around my body.”

Hewitt added: “Our New Year’s walk is a real tradition, just like our New Year’s Eve tradition of meeting a dodgy man in a car park to score coke.

“We love being immersed in nature as it’s almost as good as being off your face on drugs. But not quite.”

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Never leaving the pub early ever again, and other resolutions for a post-pandemic 2021

THERE’S a vaccine coming, unless the Tories f**k it up, and after the inevitable January lockdown life could return to normal. Make resolutions accordingly: 

No more f**king Zoom calls

They were necessary when none of us could leave the house. But at least in the old world when Margaret from finance was droning about the car-crash of this year’s budget, you couldn’t see your own slumped form in the corner, pallid, obese and broken.

Never leaving the pub early again

We should apologise to pubs. We took them for granted and assumed their boozy wonderfulness would always be there for us, day and night. And they closed their doors and we regretted every moment we’d not spent in them. Never again. Pub at lunchtime. Pub every day. Popping for a swift half will once again be a four-hour session.

Moving the home gym to the loft

2020 was a year to exercise, because there was f**k all else to do with your racing adrenalin. But next year once we’re vaccinated and invincible the treadmills, punchbags and kettle bells can bugger off up the loft, along with everything else we’re leaving for history.

Sending the kids off anywhere

Grandparents, sisters, cubs leaders: they’ve had a year off. Time for them to look after the kids every other weekend, minimum. Really teachers should start doing a shift on a Saturday evening. We’ve got a lot of pub time to catch up on, as well as sleeping in until noon and the greasiest of fry-ups.

Spending fortunes on holidays we can’t afford

‘It’s made me realise to seize the moment while you can,’ we all nod sagely while using the pandemic as an excuse to book a fortnight in Bali. ‘It could happen any time,’ we opine while planning three weeks on the slots in Vegas. ‘Covid made me appreciate life is so precious,’ we say while booking two months above a brothel in Amsterdam.