Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Boris Johnson doing last-minute Christmas rom-com dash through airport to get f**k out of Britain

THE prime minister has been seen sprinting through a Christmas-decorated Heathrow after realising what he most desires in his heart of hearts is to get the f**k out of here. 

Johnson, often compared to Hugh Grant in Love Actually, was cheered on by everyone in the airport who fully supported his last-minute dash to spend the rest of his life somewhere else.

He said: “Just like Hugh in the movie I think I’m hilarious, I seduce staff, and I’m sexually fixated on Margaret Thatcher. But there’s an emptiness in my heart.

“Then, on New Year’s Eve, I was flicking through abusive cards from Britons and read one telling me I should piss off forever and never see Britain again.

“And, then and there, I knew. I couldn’t hide the truth from myself any longer. From the first moment I became prime minister I’d wanted nothing more than to run away from the terrible f**king mess I’d made.

“I summoned my car, dashed to Heathrow, zig-zagged and slipped between the legs of customs officers and made it onto a plane to New York.

“Goodbye, we shall not meet again. I have dumped you like Alan Rickman should have dumped Emma Thompson for that younger bird.”