Couple with sign saying 'This kitchen is for dancing' mainly use it for drinking

A KITCHEN with a twee little sign saying it is used for dancing is mainly used for getting hammered on Shiraz.

Francesca Johnson and Martin Bishop also use their kitchen for drunken arguments and leaving passive-aggressive notes about taking the bin out, but no actual dancing has taken place to date.

Johnson said: “The sign we have on the wall suggests we lead a life similar to Jamie and Jools Oliver where we prepare delicious meals whilst bopping around ecstatically to ‘Happy’ by Pharrell.

“The reality is very different. The closest I’ve got to dancing is swaying around to ‘Back To Black’ whilst necking a bottle of gin and consoling my friend about her divorce by telling her all men are scum.

“Martin smashed six mugs while listening to ‘Mr Brightside’ recently but I don’t think he was dancing, just trying to find the cooking sherry after getting home wasted after a night out.

“We might possibly have a dance in the kitchen tomorrow, but it’s more likely we’ll drink three bottles of wine and argue about filling the dishwasher.”

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Daily Mail renames itself the Daily F**k You Meghan We Hate You

THE Daily Mail has renamed itself the Daily F**k You Meghan We Hate You in recognition of its core focus as a publication. 

The newspaper has made Meghan-hatred its primary source of news, and is even prepared to stop supporting Brexit if Meghan decides she is in favour of it.

News editor Carolyn Ryan said: “Over the last week we’ve noticed other, less patriotic publications moving away from abusing Meghan. Not us. Our loathing will never fade. 

“Our new name, written on the masthead in the same gothic font, affirms our commitment to filling the first 17 pages of our publication with vicious, vitriolic hatred every single day. 

“Today alone there’s our usual six pages of Thomas Markle bile, Amanda Platell telling Meghan she should feed herself to sharks, and a Photoshopped picture essay showing Kate healing the sick and Meghan causing crops to wither in her wake. 

“On other pages we’ve got ‘Did Meghan cause the Wuhan coronavirus?’, ‘Polar blast hitting UK from Canada where that vile bitch lives’ and ‘Man United lose two-nil, thanks to f**king Meghan’.” 

Daily Mail reader Susan Traherne said: “I hope they still find room for their inexplicable smear campaign against Phillip Schofield. I’m emotionally invested in that now.”