Dad getting into rap music despite family resistance

A FATHER-OF-TWO is becoming increasingly interested in rap music despite opposition from all members of his household.

Martin Bishop started out by playing Snoop Dogg and Jay-Z but has now moved on to blasting out songs by underground hip-hop artists like Jedi Mind Tricks and MF DOOM, much to the distress of his family.

Bishop’s daughter Sophie said: “I blame myself. I thought it would be funny to make him listen to Stormzy, presuming he’d hate it. But instead he said he was a visionary and called him the ‘Shakespeare of Croydon’.

“Now he’s started wearing a Chance The Rapper cap and talking about doing a podcast on the 90s UK hip hop scene. I would be mortally embarrassed if I wasn’t so worried about his mental health.”

Bishop’s wife Olivia said: “He’s probably having a midlife crisis. I just wish he could have done something less weird and upsetting, like running off with his secretary or faking his own death.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tenner that's been in wallet since March not sure what the f**k is going on

A £10 note that has been in a man’s wallet since March is wondering what the f**k is going on out there. 

The note entered the wallet on March 10th as change for a drink in a bar, and has remained there undisturbed and increasingly concerned for the subsequent three-and-a-half months.

It said: “Hello? Hello? Would someone mind telling me what the shit is happening?

“I’m not used to this. Normally I live a pretty active life: shop tills, purses, pockets, the odd toot of cocaine. I’m out and about.

“But I’ve been in here with nobody to talk to except a book of second-class stamps for bloody months now. Even when the wallet gets opened I’m ignored like I’m nothing but a scrap of paper.

“What happened? Has there been a coup? Am I no longer legal tender? I used to be the shit. ‘Cash is king’, they said. Am I nothing to you now?”

The £10 note will finally be removed from the wallet in October this year to buy a basket of value tinned goods at Lidl, after a debit card and two credit cards are declined.