Illegal rave at Chequers later

WHATSAPP messages racing around the country are advertising an illegal rave at Chequers, the country home of the prime minister, this evening. 

The rave at the Buckinghamshire stately home, expected to attract thousands of young people, is being organised by a shadowy figure known only as ‘DJ World King’ who claims ‘the feds know to stay away fam’.

James Bates, 22, said: “No more gathering on a grubby patch of waste ground near Manchester. This party is gonna be f**kin’ lit.

“Apparently it’s not actually the guy’s house but he gets to use it and he’s sent his missus away for the weekend so we’ve got the whole 1,500 acres to party in.

“The WhatsApp says to forward it to ‘hot girls’ and ‘anyone who got tha blow’ which I had to check with my dad and apparently means coke.

“My mate Jen said ‘What about coronavirus?’ and the house guy just replied ‘f**kin’ had it already mate’. Seems to be an absolute legend.”

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Five things the buzzing noise that is definitely your flatmate's vibrator could also plausibly be

THAT sound is a vibrator, and you are listening to your housemate get her rocks off. Here’s five other things that unmistakeable noise could be if you try very hard to convince yourself.

Electric shaver

Sometimes people are inclined to shave their whole bodies at two in the morning. If the image of a hot and bothered housemate is really getting to you, give them the benefit of the doubt: they might simply be trying to make themselves completely bald like one of those weird cats.

A power drill

Do It Yourself has many meanings. Though you know deep down that your housemate is violating your privacy and friendship with a spot of late night handiwork, convince yourself they are just really keen to put up their new framed Justin Bieber poster.

An indoor motorbike

Lockdown saw many of us taking up new hobbies. Though you are yet to see your otherwise shy and retiring housemate in full leathers, there is still a slim chance that they may be next door revving the engine on a small hog.

Vigorous shivering

If you really cannot face the idea of this particular person relieving a bit of tension, consider that the buzz might actually be a brrr. Recent record temperatures are admittedly not in your favour, here, but if the alternative is too troubling, give it a go.

Lots of bees

It is summer now and many people sleep with their window open. There is every chance your flatmate has invited a swarm of bees to share their room, and — no. This is really scraping the barrel here. Your flatmate is masturbating. Let it go.