LIFE is a never-ending trauma of worry and paranoia. Here are some things that will eat away at you all day long. Enjoy thinking about them.
Your friend’s kid’s name
A chance meeting with a friend on the street should be a happy occasion. If only you were certain you’d called their little girl the right name. But all your friends started families at the same time. Was it Milly, Molly or Maisie? Wait – no, wrong friend. That was definitely Ella, Ava, Ada, Ida, Eve or Neve.
Did I lock the front door?
This fear normally strikes when you’re not yet at your destination but too far from home to go back and check. In reality you’ve definitely locked it. And you don’t have anything worth stealing anyway.
Did I pick my nose during the Zoom meeting?
With 18 months of Zooming under our belts, you’d be forgiven for getting a bit relaxed. You’re pretty sure you absent-mindedly picked your nose then ate it. In front of a dozen colleagues. Did that actually happen? Karen from HR looked disgusted, but then she always looks like that.
Last night’s work drinks
The morning after work drinks can be a psychological rollercoaster. Especially if you got a tiny little bit absolutely hammered. There are vague memories of someone getting the MD in a headlock and saying he was ‘Alright for a boring, bald bastard’. Is your P45 on its way?
Have I left the oven on?
This one always strikes at the worst possible time. Like, during your outbound flight for a two-week holiday in Florida. You didn’t leave the hob on, of course. It’s just your brain’s way of trying to ruin your fun by making you ride Space Mountain while thinking incessantly about the charred, smoking remains of your home.
Does my breath smell?
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Even if you were gobbling Greek salad, garlic prawns and stilton last night. Just buy some chewing gum and stop being a paranoid bastard.
