Dinner guests pretending they can't smell litter tray

GUESTS at a dinner party are pretending they cannot smell the litter tray stench in the house.

Polite visitors Nikki Hollis and Nathan Muir are attempting to block out the nauseating aroma of cat faeces that is overwhelming them as they dine with friends.

Hollis said: “It’s like having dinner in a zoo. Is there any chance they can’t smell it? The whole house is completely permeated with it, so I don’t see how it’s possible.

“I read somewhere that cat shit can make you crazy. Now I’m slightly worried they’ve actually lost it.”

Muir added: “I’ve been breathing through my mouth for almost two hours now, I’m starting to feel woozy. I may pass out, but that would be a sweet release.”

Their hosts, however, remain completely oblivious to the stink and will attribute their guests’ stilted behaviour to “relationship troubles” which they will gossip about for several hours after they leave.

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Delighted supply teacher gets the 'colouring-in class' again

A SUPPLY teacher is pleased to have been assigned to a class of 13-year-old low-achievers for whom colouring-in is still considered a valid lesson.

Tom Logan is looking forward to an hour with class 8EB during which he will do some marking, surf the internet and send humorous texts to his wife mocking the pupils.

Logan said: “I can’t blatantly just make them colour in shapes because parents might complain, but I can pretend we’re learning pie charts.

“Or we might have a spelling lesson with – you guessed it – lots of pictures. I’ve already photocopied the worksheets and commandeered all the felt tips, so Miss Cooper needn’t try to muscle in on my scam.

“Is this robbing the kids of an education? Yes, absolutely. They should be getting intensive tutoring to bring them up to acceptable standards, but that would require spending money.

“Anyway they love colouring-in, even though they’re far too fucking old for it. And anything that involves Liam Houghton not battering someone is a positive educational outcome.”

Logan later reported that the lesson had been “wonderfully pointless” and two pupils had been graded A++ for not colouring over the lines.