I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad

by Greg Clark

AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests. 

Unfortunately, those assurances cannot be kept. Because it is regretfully necessary for myself, the Conservative party and Britain to go completely insane.

In October 2016 I promised Nissan that their manufacturing interests in the UK would not be adversely affected. And, at that time, I meant every word.

But since then the British people, who speak directly to Theresa May through whispers in her poisoned brain, have informed her that they do not care for business continuity. That they do not care for jobs, or money, or food. That economic disaster would be welcomed.

So instead I can promise you that your investments in the country will tank, that your starving workforce will riot, and that your factories will be seized and nationalised under the inevitable Corbyn government.

I would like to hope our insanity will only be temporary. That, once living standards have fallen to levels not seen for a century, we will welcome you back with open arms and low, low wages.

However, it appears more plausible that within a decade our shattered nation will be at war – either with the EU, or itself – and will not need the Nissan X-Trail, Qashqai, or indeed any other sport utility vehicle.

My apologies for the inconvenience. Get out. Get out now.

Five ways to completely misuse the phrase 'Dunkirk spirit'

WOULD you like to turn something you’ve totally fucked up into a victory by suggesting you’re just a plucky little underdog? Here’s how.

When you’ve ballsed up at work
If you’ve lost your company loads of money and put your colleague’s jobs at risk, you should suggest everyone pulls together by showing a bit of Dunkirk spirit. They’ll probably still sack you though.

After an argument with your partner
Dunkirk was basically a massive retreat, so when you’re hiding in the bathroom after losing a barney you can tell yourself you’re showing Dunkirk spirit rather than being a wimp.

When you’ve totalled your granny’s car
People over the age of 60 love World War 2. If you’re in trouble with an elderly person, just randomly say ‘Dunkirk spirit’ a couple of times and they’ll give you a kiss and a mint humbug.

During post-Brexit panic buying
Claim your fellow countrymen will approach any Brexit disasters with a stiff upper lip and plenty of Dunkirk spirit, until someone hits you in the face with a shopping basket during a fight for the last bag of peas.

When you can’t come up with a fifth example of something
Insist that coming up with four examples was, in itself, a bit like conquering Everest. Surely everyone will agree you are the living embodiment of all those little ships tossing in the Channel.