I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad

by Greg Clark

AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests. 

Unfortunately, those assurances cannot be kept. Because it is regretfully necessary for myself, the Conservative party and Britain to go completely insane.

In October 2016 I promised Nissan that their manufacturing interests in the UK would not be adversely affected. And, at that time, I meant every word.

But since then the British people, who speak directly to Theresa May through whispers in her poisoned brain, have informed her that they do not care for business continuity. That they do not care for jobs, or money, or food. That economic disaster would be welcomed.

So instead I can promise you that your investments in the country will tank, that your starving workforce will riot, and that your factories will be seized and nationalised under the inevitable Corbyn government.

I would like to hope our insanity will only be temporary. That, once living standards have fallen to levels not seen for a century, we will welcome you back with open arms and low, low wages.

However, it appears more plausible that within a decade our shattered nation will be at war – either with the EU, or itself – and will not need the Nissan X-Trail, Qashqai, or indeed any other sport utility vehicle.

My apologies for the inconvenience. Get out. Get out now.