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Disney nail polish set regifted to eighth child in same class

A FROZEN-branded nail polish set is to be re-gifted for the eighth time within the same class of 24 primary school pupils, it has emerged.

The unwanted present has been in circulation since November 2021 and been unwrapped and rewrapped several times in a process reminiscent of a complex game of reverse pass-the-parcel.

Mum Emma Bradford said: “It’s a terrible gift so we’re all holding our nerve until the cardboard box physically falls apart.

“First of all, Frozen is very 2016, and my six-year-old thinks it’s completely lame. Second, and more importantly, there’s no way I’m letting her near the new carpet with it.

“The difficulty is, who gave it to her? I should keep a list, as it’s getting quite tricky to track its progress now. I know James had it the time before, as it caused a tense conversation about traditional gender roles on the WhatsApp group.

“I don’t think Maisie’s had it, so she’s getting it for her birthday this weekend. And her mum is incredibly annoying at the school gates, so it’ll be a real bonus if it ends up being slopped all over the expensive reclaimed parquet floor she’s always banging on about.”

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Dog knows full well you took his balls

DOG lovers have been warned that dogs are absolutely aware of their missing testicles, and know their human companions are responsible.

Martin Bishop, owner of labrador Reggie, had him emasculated after several acts of destructive behaviour, not realising he would never forgive such a personal act of betrayal, and one that has left him questioning his sexual identity.

Bishop said: “The vet said Reggie’s operation would be routine. She said it would be the best thing for him. She said he’d barely notice the difference. Well he f**king well does.

“I don’t really see how you could not notice your bollocks missing, especially if you religiously lick your groin 15 times a day. Maybe he’s hoping they’ll grow back. I’ve got some bad news for you there, mate.

“You can see he’s a broken man, except a dog. He maintains eye contact when he shags the sofa cushions. He doesn’t hump with the same chutzpah as he used to. I think that’s the point. He wants me to know the joy he’s lost.

“There’s a darkness to his soul now. He’s always followed me into the bathroom, which I used to think was cute. Now I keep the psycho locked out. All I can think about is the revenge he’s planning when my trousers are down.”

Reggie said: “I feel like half a dog. I’ll never have kids now, although I suppose I could adopt. Plus I don’t feel I should rip every squirrel I see to pieces. I’m leaving the squirrel threat totally unaddressed.

“Yes, I’m not happy. A blood debt must be paid. Paid in Martin’s testicles.”

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