ASIDE from feeling superior, the best perk of being vegetarian is repeatedly being asked these inane questions:
How do you survive without bacon?
Oxygen, water, and processed pork. According to carnivores these are the three building blocks of life, so how come vegetarians don’t wither and perish without bacon? This question is usually asked by people who eat strips of salted pig three times a day then wonder why they’ve got heart trouble at the age of 36.
Do you still eat chicken?
It’s only acceptable to ask a vegetarian this if you genuinely don’t know the difference between a chicken and a vegetable. If that’s the case, plant eaters will calmly fill you in on the basics of organic matter while reining in their disbelief. Otherwise you’re being a dickhead who might as well ask a Catholic if they celebrate Hanukkah.
Don’t you know we’ve evolved to eat meat?
Vegetarians love nothing more than fielding evolutionary questions from some moron who’s watched a single Attenborough documentary and now thinks they’re Charles Darwin. We also used to sleep on the ground and shit in hedges, yet nowadays people use mattresses and toilets. Are you saying we should go back to that and forget how to make fire as well?
Isn’t it actually more unhealthy?
Yes, vegetarians have to be mindful about what they eat and sometimes they top up their diets with vitamin supplements, but their insides are generally ticking along in working order. Meat eaters on the other hand will think nothing of chowing down on a gout-inducing flank of dead cow which gives them indigestion for days.
Do you get bored of tofu?
Contrary to popular belief, vegetarians aren’t confined to live in a flavourless, tofu-filled purgatory the second they give up meat. It isn’t the foundation of every meal either, and they’re not held down and force-fed tofu via a big nozzle. In fact tofu’s only a small part of their diet, which is lucky because it’s overpriced and hideously bland.