Do you still eat chicken? Thick as shit questions vegetarians love to be asked

ASIDE from feeling superior, the best perk of being vegetarian is repeatedly being asked these inane questions:

How do you survive without bacon?

Oxygen, water, and processed pork. According to carnivores these are the three building blocks of life, so how come vegetarians don’t wither and perish without bacon? This question is usually asked by people who eat strips of salted pig three times a day then wonder why they’ve got heart trouble at the age of 36.

Do you still eat chicken?

It’s only acceptable to ask a vegetarian this if you genuinely don’t know the difference between a chicken and a vegetable. If that’s the case, plant eaters will calmly fill you in on the basics of organic matter while reining in their disbelief. Otherwise you’re being a dickhead who might as well ask a Catholic if they celebrate Hanukkah.

Don’t you know we’ve evolved to eat meat?

Vegetarians love nothing more than fielding evolutionary questions from some moron who’s watched a single Attenborough documentary and now thinks they’re Charles Darwin. We also used to sleep on the ground and shit in hedges, yet nowadays people use mattresses and toilets. Are you saying we should go back to that and forget how to make fire as well?

Isn’t it actually more unhealthy?

Yes, vegetarians have to be mindful about what they eat and sometimes they top up their diets with vitamin supplements, but their insides are generally ticking along in working order. Meat eaters on the other hand will think nothing of chowing down on a gout-inducing flank of dead cow which gives them indigestion for days.

Do you get bored of tofu?

Contrary to popular belief, vegetarians aren’t confined to live in a flavourless, tofu-filled purgatory the second they give up meat. It isn’t the foundation of every meal either, and they’re not held down and force-fed tofu via a big nozzle. In fact tofu’s only a small part of their diet, which is lucky because it’s overpriced and hideously bland.

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Halsey and other world famous pop stars you've literally never f**king heard of

THE music industry is booming, not that you’d know. Here are the monumentally famous artists passing you by:


The mega stars of K-Pop whose last album sold five million copies alone, despite the fact you’ve never heard of them and you just had to Google ‘what is K-Pop’. It might be worth checking them out to stay up to date culturally, although if tweenage girls find out they will consider you creepy and report your social media.

Olivia Rodrigo

Olivia Rodrigo is best known for the songs Drivers Licence, Brutal and Upside Down Tennis. Well, not that last one. But you didn’t know because you have no clue who she is. She’s described as a voice of Generation Z, which is the perfect excuse to ignore her and keep listening to the Now 42 CD in your car, which has the Vengaboys on. 

Lil Nas X

Considering the last gig you went to was an Oasis tribute act band at the Bricklayers Arms, it’s unsurprising you haven’t heard of America’s premier gay rap icon. How about his hit Old Town Road featuring Billy Ray Cyrus? No? Christ, even your nan does the boot-scootin’ boogie to this banger at her line dancing club. Get with the times mate.


An American singer songwriter whose songs were streamed over six billion times last year. But not in your house. You only listen to Absolute Radio 80s while knocking around the kitchen in your pants. Meanwhile Halsey’s being laden with award after award. It’s hard to tell who’s making the better life choices.

Megan Thee Stallion

A Texan rapper who collaborated on one of the most famous songs and videos of the decade. If you don’t know which song we mean then for God’s sake don’t play it while your kids are around. Not because the title is so rude they had to abbreviate it, but because they would die of shame as you asked about ‘twerking’.

Luke Combs

He might look like a hungover truck driver, but Luke Combs is actually the current poster boy for popular country music. He’s the latest in a line of denim-clad, stadium-stuffing musicians who all weirdly seem to have two first names. Heard of Luke Bryan, Kenny Chesney or Toby Keith? No. Thank f**k.