KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys:
Dolls that piss
Manufacturers claimed these dolls bring out a child’s nurturing side, but the only thing kids really care about is the disgusting novelty of simulated piss. Nothing entertains a child more than making a fake baby soil itself. They know you hate it, and that’s why they love it.
Girl’s World styling head
These uncanny heads allow children to play hairdresser without butchering their three-year-old brother’s flowing locks, but also make it look like your feral children are playing with the remains of a decapitated innocent. Advertisers should target this morbid angle because everyone loves serial killers and it’s never too early to start.
You can forgive children from the Victorian era for thinking these were the dog’s bollocks. In an age of no telly and tuberculosis, a wooden steed rocking gently back and forth was as thrilling as Thorpe Park. Today they’re more a comforting purchase for new parents whose homes will be full of gaudy bleeping plastic shit shortly.
Ugly as f**k toys
From Cabbage Patch Kids to Troll dolls, every generation has been enthralled by fugly-as-sin toys. It’s as if children instinctively need to feed, clothe and play with these treasured hideous monsters, then bore everyone else by talking about them endlessly. Blame the parents.
Some filthy nose-picking boardgame
Or it could be one where a dog craps, or where a monkey pulls a finger from its arse, or popping spots. The attached game is always perfunctory bullshit, the thrill of pulling slime from a nose fades fast, the large plastic face or bum or whatever lingers in a cupboard for years.