Don't refill your Jacuzzi every day: the selfish bastard's guide to saving water

WANT to help save water during the drought? Follow the advice and sacrifices of selfish moron Roy Hobbs.

Wash your Audis every other day

As a bonding exercise with my teenage son, I used to make him scrub my two Audis every day while I sat inside watching TV. Reducing the amount of quality time he gets to spend with such fine examples of German engineering was hard for me, but I’ve reduced his pocket-money accordingly.

Don’t refill your Jacuzzi constantly

Do these eco warriors realise how clogged up a Jacuzzi gets when you host as many grim pool parties as I do to show off my nouveau riche bubbling bathtub? If that water isn’t changed daily I could get a disease. But I’m saving the planet by only changing the water every few days. I hope Extinction Rebellion appreciates my sacrifice.

Don’t leave the taps on

Sometimes, when my wife’s badgering me in the kitchen by asking how my day’s been or, even worse, telling me how her day’s been, I’ll run the tap at full blast to drown out her inane chattering. Given her ability to ramble I was probably getting through a hundred gallons a day. Now though, I’ve simply invested in some earplugs.

Halt the local wet t-shirt competition

The wet t-shirt competition has a proud history in our local village fete. I am only agreeing to cancel it this year due to this bloody water crisis. It has nothing to do with the growing protests of some uppity feminists, a few local MPs playing the ‘woke’ card, and a petition organised by a national newspaper.

Cut back on the power-washing

This is the biggest sacrifice of all. Blasting the filthy concrete tiles in my back garden with the pressure washer was my equivalent of childbirth. Plus all the neighbours would look on in envy from their dilapidated domiciles. However, I am prepared to only do this fortnightly going forward. Normal service will be resumed the second it rains again.

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Find the least sticky table: your guide to a romantic date in Wetherspoons

WANT to impress your date with a visit to the country’s most romantic food and drink establishment? Make sure you do these things.

Sample the cuisine

Fancy a reheated beef madras that’s been hanging around for God knows how long? Or a plate of freshly-microwaved chips that somehow come in at 1,500 calories? Then ensure you taste the delights of Wetherspoons’ haute cuisine. Romantic partners like someone with money smarts, so they’re bound to be turned on by you ordering the cheapest grub on the menu.

Find the least sticky table

Most tables in Wetherspoons are more sticky than a cinema carpet because they’ve had lots of pints of weak, piss-flavoured lager spilt on them. If you want to impress your date, find the one with the least beer or bodily fluids on it, or get imaginative and sit somewhere else that’s more hygienic. Like the toilets.

Don’t bring flowers

Dates love to receive flowers, but do not bring them into a Wetherspoons. Hand them over at home, and if you’re clutching a bunch when you arrive at Spoons, drop them on the pavement by the door. The punters will find the sight of a bloke carrying flowers offensively effeminate, so get your date a less soppy gift, eg. a pint of Old Peculiar. The atmosphere will probably cause them to shrivel up and die instantly anyway.

Inspect the carpets

Each Wetherspoons has a unique carpet. And while your date is sure to find this a scintillating topic of conversation, it also means that the flooring shows up vomit stains in its own individual way. If you’re blessed with several local Spoons, choose the one with carpet which most successfully camouflages regurgitated Fosters. It’s thoughtful little touches like this that will impress.

Dutch courage

It’s normal to get jittery on dates. To steady your nerves, why not explore the many guest ales on tap? After your ninth pint of Doom Bar you’ll be so relaxed you’ll be bringing up tedious workplace grievances or rambling incoherently about ‘classic’ action movies, while your date excuses themselves to escape via the bathroom window.