ARE your weeks blurring into one long snack-laden, news-addled pyjama fest, broken only by a few half-arsed attempts at work? Here’s how to change that.
Double your drinking
If you want to feel anything like as hungover and plagued with regret as you used to at the weekend, up your alcohol intake. The only bar you can prop up these days is the metaphorical one you’re lowering for yourself each day, but don’t let that stop you drinking deep.
Halve your exercise
Remember when you used to get to the weekend exhausted, instead of feeling like a caged animal whose only real daily exertion is chewing? Challenge yourself to move even less than you do in the week. Piss on the sofa if you have to.
Regret all your virtual social plans
Weekends were once about arranging to see people and instantly regretting committing yourself to having to make any kind of effort. Thankfully you can still do this via an app, and be as morosely terrible company as you are in real life.
Achieve less than you wanted to
It’s not the weekend if you don’t feel like you should be doing more with this precious free time. Be sure to dream unrealistically big about what can be accomplished so that you feel the usual disappointment, for example buy an expensive set of weights that you only use as a door stop.
Get depressed on Sunday night
There’s nothing like the dread of a regular Sunday evening that says ‘it’s the end of the weekend’. As you don’t have to get up and go to work the next day, have a big news binge instead. That will make you feel as anxious and fearful as a Sunday night should.