Married couple reach out to single friends who are too busy wanking and drinking to answer

A MARRIED couple are kindly reaching out to their single friends who are too busy wanking, eating and getting drunk to answer.

Tom and Nikki Hollis are taking care to drop condescending messages to their unpartnered pals during lockdown, while steadfastly refusing to entertain the idea that they could be totally fine.

Hollis said: “When I think of some of my friends, it breaks my heart. Poor Jane, for example, is locked down all alone with only her cat.

“How on earth is she spending her days? It doesn’t bear thinking about. I’m getting in touch every morning to say I’m thinking of her and to subtly hint that probably no one else is.”

When approached for comment, Jane confirmed that she was enjoying watching Magic Mike with her hands down her pants and drinking wine in the day, rather than being drawn into passive-aggressive arguments about cupboard organisation strategies like her married friends.

She said: “Six solid weeks, at least, without having to think up an excuse to get out of one of Tom and Nikki’s f**king tedious dinner parties is utter bliss.”

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People having a 'really productive' lockdown told to shut the f**k up

PEOPLE who are having a ‘really productive’ lockdown have been told to shut the f**k up about it.

The guidance comes after social media channels were flooded with smug posts about accomplishments at a time when most of the country is calling it a win if they get dressed before 3pm.

Nikki Hollis said: “I thought we were all in the same shitty position here, then I saw my mate Carol’s posts about her reading project.

“She’s working through a list of modern classic novels at a rate of roughly one a day and making a reflective YouTube video about each one afterwards.

“Today I took the bins out and only cried twice. I also managed to not comment on Carol’s video telling her she should stick Dostoevsky up her arse, so that’s a big day for me.”

Tom Logan is experiencing similar issues with some of his friends, who are making the most of every minute of lockdown life.

He said: “I almost managed to get out of bed about 2pm, but then I saw my mate Stephen had already done Joe Wicks, made banana bread and been for a 10k run and I just thought ‘What’s the point?'”