A MARRIED couple are kindly reaching out to their single friends who are too busy wanking, eating and getting drunk to answer.
Tom and Nikki Hollis are taking care to drop condescending messages to their unpartnered pals during lockdown, while steadfastly refusing to entertain the idea that they could be totally fine.
Hollis said: “When I think of some of my friends, it breaks my heart. Poor Jane, for example, is locked down all alone with only her cat.
“How on earth is she spending her days? It doesn’t bear thinking about. I’m getting in touch every morning to say I’m thinking of her and to subtly hint that probably no one else is.”
When approached for comment, Jane confirmed that she was enjoying watching Magic Mike with her hands down her pants and drinking wine in the day, rather than being drawn into passive-aggressive arguments about cupboard organisation strategies like her married friends.
She said: “Six solid weeks, at least, without having to think up an excuse to get out of one of Tom and Nikki’s f**king tedious dinner parties is utter bliss.”