Duck fed on sourdough becoming unbearable

A DUCK that is only eating sourdough bread has turned into a right bellend, it has been confirmed.

Three-year-old mallard Roy Hobbs’ recent affectations include wearing a waistcoat ironically, calling everyone ‘my brother’ and listening to tiresome American indie-folk music.

Hobbs began his bourgeois diet after creeping gentrification saw a higher standard of bread on offer. Now, after weeks of refusing all other baked goods, he has begun to alienate every other duck in the park.

Duck Helen Archer said: “Roy used to be OK. Just kind of normal. But since he started only eating sourdough he has been acting like a right twat. Last week he told me I should give ‘air yoga’ a try.

Hobbs said: “Is it my fault these philistines want to be pond-dwelling nobodies forever? Maybe if they could see beyond their Tesco sliced white they’d realise that, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ‘All life is an experiment and the more experiments you make, the better’.”

Gesturing at a nearby shopping bag, Hobbs added: “Throw me that bottle of kombucha.”

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'Quick, easy' recipe from Guardian still being prepared eight days later

A COUPLE who tried to make a ‘fast, easy mid-week supper recipe’ from the Guardian recipe are still cooking it almost eight days later.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson spotted the recipe in the Guardian Weekend magazine and naively believed its promise that they could throw it together in 20 minutes,

Johnson said: “After 45 minutes we hadn’t started frying the smoked garlic in the avocado oil because it had taken so long to separate the pomegranate seeds. Then we started arguing about whether za’tar is a spice or an instrument the Beatles used on Sergeant Pepper.

“We tag teamed through the night, both sleeping for five minutes at a time so we could keep basting the beef coulotte with yak butter.

“We’ll finish it. If only because we’ve agreed that when it’s done we’re chucking it straight in the bin because we’re sick of the fucking sight of it.”