Entirely unique woman drinks beer and has male friends

A WOMAN has made waves across her social scene with her sheer distinctiveness by doing activities normally associated with the opposite sex. 

Drinkers in a Wetherby pub had assumed that Lauren Hewitt, aged 27, would be interested in ponies, glitter and wallpaper like any normal girl when she shocked them by ordering a big old pint of beer.

She said: “It’s tough being misunderstood. Men assume I’m a typical boring woman into jewellery and rom-coms, but actually I’ve seen every movie in the Terminator franchise and have informed opinions about them.

“Yes, I could wear heels and a sparkly dress, but actually I frequently wear jeans, trainers and even a Radiohead T-shirt. Sorry if that’s blowing your normie minds.

“To me girly-girl stuff is stupid. I love a massive burger, I’ve attended a football match and I prefer a pub crawl with my mates Ali and Shaun to clothes shopping. Deal with it, bitches.

“Apparently some women are saying I’m exaggerating my quirky, stereotype-defying love of traditionally male interests. They can’t understand my balls-out feminism because all girls are catty, bitchy drama queens.”

Pub regular Julian Cook said: “Yeah she does look a bit like a bloke as well.”

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Six pathetic lies freaks tell for attention

TELL a lie big enough and people will believe it, Goebbels said, but if you tell a small, pathetic lie nobody will even bother to check. Like these: 

‘My dad taught Bonehead from Oasis to drive’ 

For those unversed in the minutae of 90s bands, Bonehead was one of the people who didn’t matter in Oasis. Nobody knows whether he could play guitar, let alone drive. Is your dad a driving instructor? No? How did it happen then? Actually, who cares?

‘I had trials for Swindon Town’ 

The perfect attention-seeking lie has a little bit of pathos. Swindon Town? Who’d lie about that? Add to this the fact that all kids are basically the same at football and it’s at once believable and effortlessly dismissable.

‘My uncle worked for Nintendo’ 

A classic 90s lie, but if told today puzzling. So what? They don’t let the bloke booking meeting rooms in Coventry playtest Donkey Konga. Variations include ‘my uncle was a roadie for Iron Maiden’ and ‘my uncle beat Frank Bruno as an amateur’. Again, so what?

‘I moved school after getting in a fight with a teacher’ 

No, you moved school because you called Mrs Muir ‘mum’ and then when she laughed along with everyone else you shouted ‘stop it, mum!’ then cried.

‘They named the Severn Bridge after how many German fighter pilots my grandad shot down’ 

Requires, just for openers, illiteracy. Also, there were pilots who shot down far more so what made your granddad special? And why wouldn’t they name it after him? Additionally, f**k off with your f**king bullshit.

‘I used to go out with Emilia Clarke and/or Tom Hardy’

Did you? Oh right. It’s just that you grew up in a completely different place and also you have a face like a bag of smashed crabs.