AUTUMN is a time of dreary weather and dying trees, but what’s even worse is having to go out and photograph your millennial girlfriend in these locations.
A must for a millennial girlfriend looking to share autumnal energy for three likes. The hardest part will be cropping your photo so the dozens of other girlfriends posing for a picture aren’t in the background of the shot. None of them will actually purchase a pumpkin.
Ordinarily, Starbucks is a liminal space where you wait for a train or a shower to pass. This all changes when pumpkin spice hits the menu, at which point the coffee chain becomes Disneyland for millennial girlfriends. Don’t suggest a couple selfie. This experience isn’t for you.
All cosied up on the sofa
What could be more seasonal than snuggling up on the sofa under a plaid blanket with a scrummy hot chocolate? How about the unrelenting misery of trying to take a picture that looks casual but not too casual, posed but not showy? Because that’s what you’ll be doing.
By a roaring bonfire
Millennial girlfriends couldn’t give a f**k about the historical significance of a bonfire. All they care about is putting on a hat with a ridiculously large bobble and standing next to it for a photo.
In a forest
Autumn wouldn’t be autumn without a stroll beneath the trees, your millennial girlfriend looking on in awe and marvelling at the majesty of how great she looks in nature. She’ll be too entranced by all the colours while thinking of appropriate hashtags to worry about you kneeling in the mud trying to get the perfect picture. That’s a you problem.
A charming log cabin
Your friends know you and your millennial girlfriend live in a cramped studio flat teeming with black mould. But thanks to a weekend away at an overpriced log cabin, she’ll be able to trick strangers on the internet into thinking she lives a charmed, idyllic life. All while ruining their mental health in the process.
Her parents’ house
You’ll be going to her parents’ house at some point during autumn. It’s inevitable. Maybe her mum made an apple pie or her sister’s visiting for the weekend, meaning you have to pop round by law. There’s no point trying to fight it. Aim and take photos on autopilot as you have done for years. Soon be over.
Of course you won’t actually be going to a Halloween party. No, this is all a clever ruse so your millennial girlfriend can dress up as a sexy witch and get away with sharing the pictures on her Stories. Instead of bobbing for apples, your evening will be spent at home, waiting for the reactions to come dribbling in.
Down the pub
She’s not put on her fanciest cable knit jumper for you, you idiot. You’re supposed to photograph that shit in the pub next to a roast dinner and a candle because she says that screams ‘hygge vibe goals’, whatever the f**k they are. Somehow, you suspect Taylor Swift is to blame for this bullshit.
Wherever she’s dragged you to on a weekend hike
Weekends are not for resting when autumn rolls around. Instead, you’ll be woken up at the crack of dawn and dragged on a schlep up a rain-lashed hill. Not for the benefits of exercise, but because your millennial girlfriend needs to shake up her content. She only ever does anything for the content.
Your previous forest photography efforts were not acceptable. So here you are again, trying to capture the magic of autumn and her expensive new wool coat. It’s your own time you’re wasting if you f**k this up again. She could do this all day, and she would love it.
Everywhere f**king else
Autumn is a time of endless opportunity when it comes to shameless, self-aggrandising photographs. You’re better off just photographing your millennial girlfriend at regular 30-second intervals then letting her sift through the slush pile. Otherwise you might miss her sprinkling cinnamon on some porridge or putting on a scarf. And the internet couldn’t cope without that.