Liverpool invade pitch at Luton vs Spurs and begin replay

JURGEN Klopp’s Liverpool team have arrived at Kenilworth Road, leapt onto the pitch and begun playing their replay against Spurs.

Liverpool requested a replay after a crucial goal was wrongly disallowed during their home game against Tottenham last Saturday, and rather than wait for the FA to respond have taken matters into their own hands.

Luton manager Rob Edwards said: “Suddenly there were extra players all over the pitch, but as I opened my mouth to shout I felt Klopp’s hand on my shoulder.

“‘This is our match now,’ he said forebodingly as Jota dispossessed Nakamba and banged one into the Spurs net. ‘The time is ours. The result is ours. You may play them when we’ve finished.’

“I said that was not fair and he said, ‘Was it fair Diaz was denied a goal by human error? Was it fair Jota was dismissed for being in slow-motion? Was it fair that Liverpool, the great Liverpool, were denied a victory in keeping with their history?’

“It was chaos on the pitch. Liverpool scored one, we scored one, Spurs just couldn’t soak up the pressure and catch the 22 men on the break. In the end the combined teams won 6-0 and we’ve agreed to divide that into 3-0 each.”

Defeated Tottenham manager Ange Postecoglou said: “You think that’s over, bitches? Wait until your game at Brighton tomorrow.”

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Woman who forgot boyfriend's birthday hastily arranging threesome

A WOMAN who completely forgot her boyfriend is 27 today is frantically swiping her phone to arrange a surprise threesome.

Charlotte Phelps only realised it was boyfriend Ryan Whittaker’s birthday when she got his 2am texts, and is is trying to pull together the minimal effort gift as though she had planned it all along.

She said: “Oh God, who do I know who could do this? Annabelle? Might f**k up the friendship? Helen? No, she doesn’t shave. Do I have any friends of friends?

“I’ve left it too late to go the shops, I’ve no money anyway and I’ve no idea what he would even want so I’ll just go for the lowest common denominator of me and another woman. They always like that.

“What other options have I got? I’ve got literally no resources. He said he wanted me to cook for him but I can’t be arsed with all that sweating and licking spoons. Far easier to have a threeway.

“Jessica I know would, but I’ve not seen her for six months and she’ll know I’m just calling for that and give me a hard time. Leanne? Actually, wait, Leanne owes me one! Perfect.”