IT isn’t stated on your tenancy agreement, but every student flat must contain these items to qualify as a real home:
Eight packs of untouched playing cards
Which everyone’s dad gave them ‘as an icebreaker’ when they left the parental home, unaware the ice would be broken by getting shitfaced together the afternoon you moved in.
A Pulp Fiction poster
Still enduring 29 years after the film was released amongst young men who believe Tarantino is the answer to all life’s problems.
Several two-litre bottles that take up a whole kitchen cupboard and taste like nail varnish remover mixed with petrol.
An infestation of some kind
Popular choices include scabies, bedbugs and rats.
A pyramid of lager cans
Is it art or an improvised game of Jenga? Who knows, but it will stay in the living room until next summer.
A dead plant
Proudly bought in the first week of term and then cruelly neglected, in a fitting visual metaphor for your studies.
A breeding colony for new forms of mould and bacteria
Also known as a sink.
Someone’s f**king bike blocking the hall
It’s never ridden and ends up being used as an inconveniently-shaped clothes drying rack instead.
Eight potato mashers
Everyone thought they would need one, but who can be arsed to mash potatoes when oven chips exist?
To create the right ambient mood for smoking weed, and also stop you being able to properly see the shithole you’re spending £600 a month on.
A huge speaker
To blast obnoxious drill music into the homes of your killjoy next door neighbours.
Some annoying prick’s guitar
Used with an upsetting level of success to win over girls who just can’t get enough of Shape Of You.
A mysterious reddish stain
Which the landlord blames on previous tenants and refuses to do anything about but will try to bill you for when you leave.
Another Quentin Tarantino film poster
Reservoir Dogs this time, to cover up the mysterious reddish stain and also allow the twat doing film studies to pontificate about his favourite director and mispronounce words like ‘oeuvre’.