The 14 items every student flat is required to have by law 

IT isn’t stated on your tenancy agreement, but every student flat must contain these items to qualify as a real home: 

Eight packs of untouched playing cards

Which everyone’s dad gave them ‘as an icebreaker’ when they left the parental home, unaware the ice would be broken by getting shitfaced together the afternoon you moved in.

A Pulp Fiction poster

Still enduring 29 years after the film was released amongst young men who believe Tarantino is the answer to all life’s problems.

Cheap vodka

Several two-litre bottles that take up a whole kitchen cupboard and taste like nail varnish remover mixed with petrol.

An infestation of some kind

Popular choices include scabies, bedbugs and rats.

A pyramid of lager cans

Is it art or an improvised game of Jenga? Who knows, but it will stay in the living room until next summer.

A dead plant

Proudly bought in the first week of term and then cruelly neglected, in a fitting visual metaphor for your studies.

A breeding colony for new forms of mould and bacteria

Also known as a sink.

Someone’s f**king bike blocking the hall

It’s never ridden and ends up being used as an inconveniently-shaped clothes drying rack instead.

Eight potato mashers

Everyone thought they would need one, but who can be arsed to mash potatoes when oven chips exist?

Fairy lights

To create the right ambient mood for smoking weed, and also stop you being able to properly see the shithole you’re spending £600 a month on.

A huge speaker

To blast obnoxious drill music into the homes of your killjoy next door neighbours.

Some annoying prick’s guitar

Used with an upsetting level of success to win over girls who just can’t get enough of Shape Of You.

A mysterious reddish stain

Which the landlord blames on previous tenants and refuses to do anything about but will try to bill you for when you leave.

Another Quentin Tarantino film poster

Reservoir Dogs this time, to cover up the mysterious reddish stain and also allow the twat doing film studies to pontificate about his favourite director and mispronounce words like ‘oeuvre’.

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Wild-eyed food festival attendees double-dropping Camembert

POSH food festivalgoers are cutting loose this weekend with overpriced olive oil and artisan local cheeses rather than pills or alcohol.

Self-proclaimed foodie Joseph Turner used to get his kicks from rubbing unknown substances onto his gums in dank warehouses, but now refuses to touch anything without an organic certification.

Turner said: “Forget Creamfields, the Cotswold Heavenly Harvest Festival is f**king insane, man. Me and my mates make our annual pilgrimage every year and the line-up just gets wilder and wilder.

“Rumour has it that Ottolenghi’s swinging by to do a surprise 1pm set where he’s gonna road-test some absolutely mental grain and pulse combos. Bulgur wheat and heritage haricot, crazy shit like that.

“It’s going to be completely unmissable and we’ve already started lining up to get to the front of the stage. Might do a little bit of cheeky charcuterie in the queue to keep the vibes going.”

Turner said that since hitting 40, one of his few pleasures is losing himself in sampling tapenades on water crackers, and eating Tibetan yak jerky made by a fellow posh white guy.

He said: “I’m buzzing, man. Last year we stayed up ’til 9.30pm just shooting the shit in the preserves tent and we’ll be having another mad one tonight. If the babysitter doesn’t need a lift home.”