Every man secretly afraid of his hairline

THE position and strength of his hairline is secretly a constant source of dread for every single man, it has been confirmed.

Even those with thick, luscious locks sprouting directly above their temples discreetly inspect their hairline on a daily basis with a sense of unease and a conviction that it did not always look this bad.

Anxious man Joshua Hudson said: “I’m not fazed by climate change or escalating geopolitical tensions. But the possibility that I might be developing a widow’s peak or a bald spot? That’s terrifying.

“I can’t allow myself to worry about it too much though, otherwise the stress might cause precious follicles to expire. It’s always there though, at the back of my mind, more scary than the knowledge that I’ll die one day.”

Fellow man Martin Bishop said: “I tell myself that my hairline is more scared of me than I am of it. That’s bollocks though. I’m shitting myself about male pattern baldness while my hair isn’t bothered and falls out willy-nilly.

“Women will never be able to understand our pain. All they have to worry about is cellulite, buccal fat, wrinkles, sagging skin and overall impossible-to-attain beauty standards. The lucky cows.”

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'You never know which will be your last E, son': Advice from rave dads

A GENERATION of ravers are now a generation of middle-aged fathers passing on their hard-earned clubbing wisdom to their children. This is their advice:

‘Be patient and wait for the rush’

Not everything in this world’s immediate. And though it might feel like forever when you’re at the Arches and Sasha’s doing one of his long intros, hold your horses and wait for it to hit rather than going straight into another one. Or you’ll end up gurning on the steps all night. Trust me, I know.

‘You can’t live life in the chill-out room’

Yes, it’s comfortable there and you can chat to your mates, but you can’t spend your whole life in the chill-out room, love. At some point you’ve got to head to the dance floor, feel the rush, live the drop and reach for the lasers. And when you do it’ll be worth it.

‘There’s always another girl in a pink glittery cowboy hat’

She might have seemed an eternal vision of transcendent loveliness as she passed by but don’t get hung up on her. Enjoy the moment and put it down to the MDMA rather than spend the whole of Carl Craig’s set searching Golden for her. There’ll always be another.

‘His whitey isn’t your problem’

One time we’d gone to Gatecrasher, this lad flaked as soon as we got in, and my mate Chezzy spent the whole night with his head on her lap. Did she see him again? Did she bugger. And missed out on Judge Jules dropping the Power of Love remix.

‘You never know which will be your last E’

I know. You’re young, you’re living for the weekend, it feels like there’ll always be another pill. I was the same way back in ’96. I thought it’d never stop but trust me, one day it does. So make sure you enjoy each one as though it’s your last.

‘Drink plenty of water’

Whether you’re at Cream during Jon Pleased Wimmin or strolling down the high street, keep yourself hydrated. Even if it is an absolute f**king liberty at £4 a bottle.