THE position and strength of his hairline is secretly a constant source of dread for every single man, it has been confirmed.
Even those with thick, luscious locks sprouting directly above their temples discreetly inspect their hairline on a daily basis with a sense of unease and a conviction that it did not always look this bad.
Anxious man Joshua Hudson said: “I’m not fazed by climate change or escalating geopolitical tensions. But the possibility that I might be developing a widow’s peak or a bald spot? That’s terrifying.
“I can’t allow myself to worry about it too much though, otherwise the stress might cause precious follicles to expire. It’s always there though, at the back of my mind, more scary than the knowledge that I’ll die one day.”
Fellow man Martin Bishop said: “I tell myself that my hairline is more scared of me than I am of it. That’s bollocks though. I’m shitting myself about male pattern baldness while my hair isn’t bothered and falls out willy-nilly.
“Women will never be able to understand our pain. All they have to worry about is cellulite, buccal fat, wrinkles, sagging skin and overall impossible-to-attain beauty standards. The lucky cows.”
