A MARRIED couple reaffirming their commitment have written a ceremony that reflects their current attitude towards each other.
After 20 years together Stephen and Helen Archer have decided to renew their vows, but this time will base them on knowing how f**king annoying the other can be.
Helen Archer said: “Our original vows were all that ‘until death us do part’ bullshit, but that is not the sort of promise you should actually make when shackling yourself to someone for life.
“In sickness and in health is too general. I need specifics. This time I’m making Stephen promise he will never again use me having explosive diarrhoea after a dodgy chicken bhuna as a Christmas dinner anecdote.
“And given that we’re financially stable, richer or poorer seems a silly one. So we’ll be vowing that every time Stephen wastes £70 on a new West Ham strip, I can spend the equivalent in Whistles.
“And finally I’ll agree not to shave my armpits with his razor if he agrees not to attempt belching the Eastenders theme. That’s true love.”
Stephen Archer said: “I’m just going to promise to love and cherish her, forsaking all others unless it’s Cate Blanchett, because we chose our celebrity cheats in 2011 and Helen can’t go back on it now.”