Couple renewing wedding vows make significant changes

A MARRIED couple reaffirming their commitment have written a ceremony that reflects their current attitude towards each other.

After 20 years together Stephen and Helen Archer have decided to renew their vows, but this time will base them on knowing how f**king annoying the other can be.

Helen Archer said: “Our original vows were all that ‘until death us do part’ bullshit, but that is not the sort of promise you should actually make when shackling yourself to someone for life.

“In sickness and in health is too general. I need specifics. This time I’m making Stephen promise he will never again use me having explosive diarrhoea after a dodgy chicken bhuna as a Christmas dinner anecdote.

“And given that we’re financially stable, richer or poorer seems a silly one. So we’ll be vowing that every time Stephen wastes £70 on a new West Ham strip, I can spend the equivalent in Whistles.

“And finally I’ll agree not to shave my armpits with his razor if he agrees not to attempt belching the Eastenders theme. That’s true love.”

Stephen Archer said: “I’m just going to promise to love and cherish her, forsaking all others unless it’s Cate Blanchett, because we chose our celebrity cheats in 2011 and Helen can’t go back on it now.”

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Three years on, Britain inaccurately remembers lockdown

THREE years on from lockdown, the UK’s memories of it are now wildly distorted. Very little of this happened:

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 24, Bexhill-on-Sea

“I still remember Boris announcing lockdown and the iron fences slamming down, everywhere, from the sky. They were around every garden and at both ends of our street. You needed a pass to leave, and if you were out longer than your hour the robot guards would shoot to kill.”

Roy Hobbs, aged 66, Hinkley

“Sourdough, Zoom quizzes, Normal People and daytime drinking were all mandated by the government. If you didn’t do them you couldn’t get your furlough. It was hell. I was there, shy Irish teenagers stumbling through sex on TV, my starter mutating, blind drunk at 2pm, guessing the members of S Club 7, all for my free money.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 74, Guildford

“When Boris took sick we knew that was the end. The entire country agreed that it was better we sacrifice ourselves to save the NHS. Then came an angel from heaven, shuffling around his garden with his walker, restoring our hope and single-handedly saving an entire nation. We’d all be dead without Captain Sir Tom Moore.”

Steve Malley, aged 35, Lambeth

“London was a ghost town. Goats took over Llandudno. Portsmouth was abandoned to the sea. Most of Wales hasn’t been heard from since. We were prisoners in our own homes and could only watch helpless as giant otters reclaimed our streets. I smoked an absolute shitload of weed.”

Joanna Kramer, aged 41, Wrexham

“We ran out of toilet roll, so I had no choice but to go on the game. Then we needed face masks, so my husband pistol-whipped an Amazon driver for a pack of five. My son held up a train to get hand sanitiser. Ever since, we’ve been unable to break out of our spiral of crime. I blame 5G.”

Jack Browne, aged 28, Hythe

“Everyone stayed two metres apart. Nobody broke the rules. Then, with one single action, we were freed: Dominic Cummings drove to Durham, took his kids to Barnard Castle, claimed it was an eye test and from that moment on everyone stopped giving a f**k. What a hero. There should be a statue of him.”