Thursday, 15th April 2021

Everyone leaving London going to same place

ALL Londoners leaving the capital for a better life are moving en masse to Cornwall and the Cotswolds, they have confirmed. 

The moves, which are taking place simultaneously and will end with everyone still living within 15 miles of each other, are expected to make living in those two locations just as unbearable as living in London used to be. 

Francesca Johnson, who is covering her move extensively in the Sunday Telegraph, said: “When I decided I wanted to leave London, it was a tough choice. Move west, to a location which is still unambiguously Southern, or move further west for the same? 

“Of course house prices are rocketing, the neighbours all work in the City or the media, the train services are hopelessly overstretched and all the people who’ve lived here for generations hate us. So we’re very much at home.” 

Sociologist Helen Archer said: “Previously Londoners couldn’t conceive of anywhere that wasn’t London, so this is a real step forward for them. 

“Of course it’s possible that, with enough education and pieces in the property section of the Times, they could recognise that locations like Leicester and Sheffield not only exist but have nice bits and are closer to London by train. 

“But do you really want these twats where you live? No. So keep quiet.”