Everyone leaving London going to same place

ALL Londoners leaving the capital for a better life are moving en masse to Cornwall and the Cotswolds, they have confirmed. 

The moves, which are taking place simultaneously and will end with everyone still living within 15 miles of each other, are expected to make living in those two locations just as unbearable as living in London used to be. 

Francesca Johnson, who is covering her move extensively in the Sunday Telegraph, said: “When I decided I wanted to leave London, it was a tough choice. Move west, to a location which is still unambiguously Southern, or move further west for the same? 

“Of course house prices are rocketing, the neighbours all work in the City or the media, the train services are hopelessly overstretched and all the people who’ve lived here for generations hate us. So we’re very much at home.” 

Sociologist Helen Archer said: “Previously Londoners couldn’t conceive of anywhere that wasn’t London, so this is a real step forward for them. 

“Of course it’s possible that, with enough education and pieces in the property section of the Times, they could recognise that locations like Leicester and Sheffield not only exist but have nice bits and are closer to London by train. 

“But do you really want these twats where you live? No. So keep quiet.”

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Five deeply unfunny April Fools' day jokes brands will make

NOT sure if a faceless corporation is pulling your leg? Check to see if it’s one of these exhaustingly tedious jokes that brands wheel out every April Fools’ Day.

Launching a stupid product

Before rushing to share a dubious article about a clearly bullshit product on social media, ask yourself: ‘Has Amazon really launched drones that can fly food straight into your mouth and wipe your arse or have I once again been hoodwinked because I’m a moron?’ As always, it’s the latter.

A silly name change

An absolutely barrel-scraping level of humour reserved for the most joyless of brands. Here the nuanced wit boils down to ‘We’ve told you something but it isn’t true’, which companies desperately hope will get them some attention. Although if BMW rebranded itself as The Rich Knobhead’s Car Company you’d have to at least respect their self-awareness.

Weird collaborations

Pairing a product with an unlikely celebrity is the highest form of wit for advertisers, but it usually just leaves the rest of us desperately reaching for the remote. We can only assume that’s how those Just Eat adverts with Snoop Dogg came about, only now they’ve got out of control and nobody knows how to stop them. 

Too good to be true inventions

As much as you want the hoverboard from Back To The Future Part II to become a reality, it’s very unlikely that Tesla has discovered the secret of anti-gravity and rushed it to market without anybody noticing. You’re just going to have to make do with those self-balancing scooters that explode at random and make you look like a dickhead.

A prank that will backfire

Ironically, watching a company’s PR department furiously back-pedal on a misguided joke that’s been ripped apart by social media is the only way a brand can hope to be funny on April Fool’s Day. Although they probably want us to laugh with them, not at them. The sooner the clock hits midday and this shit’s over for another year, the better.