Everyone only does a 'Friendsmas' once

PEOPLE only spend one Christmas with friends instead of family as it always ends in tears, arguments and alcohol poisoning, it has emerged.

Despite sounding fun in theory, a group of close friends attempting to make a three-course meal while necking excessive amounts of booze is destined to be a nightmare that results in a fatality.

Charlotte Phelps, 24, said: “Me and my uni mates tried it last year, thinking it would be great to get away from the strict rules and traditions our families impose. But now we realise those things are guardrails against disaster.

“My mum won’t let us drink until lunchtime. Turns out it’s not because she’s a boring old bag, but because being half cut while throwing potatoes into a pan of hot oil is a stupid idea. I’ve still got the scars.

“And we always eat a big traditional Christmas dinner because you need your stomach lined and nobody wants to make supper later. So, while roasties, sushi and salad sounds like the perfect meal, it’s not when you’re starving at 7pm and the only thing to eat is Celebrations.

“Basically, we got horribly pissed, had an argument about whether memes are a legitimate category for charades, I started crying, three people were sick and we were in bed by 9pm.

“They’re my best friends and I love them dearly, but I never want to spend Christmas with them ever again.”

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Woman expecting Christmas proposal getting Dyson

A WOMAN excitedly expecting an engagement ring on Christmas morning has not realised she will be getting a vacuum cleaner instead. 

Sophie Rodriguez has been dropping numerous hints to boyfriend Jack Browne about how much she is looking forward to the life of domestic bliss her Christmas gift will bring.

Browne said: “That clearly means a Dyson, right? And fair play to her for choosing something practical for once, much easier getting one of them off Amazon rather than planning a romantic day out or something.

“I’m a thoughtful sort of bloke, so I’ll stick a label on it saying ‘I love it when you suck this hard, baby’ just to make it that little bit more personalised. It is Christmas, after all, you need to show some emotion.

“She’s been saying for months that she wants a gift that will help us invest in our future together and show our mutual commitment. What says ‘commitment’ more than a vacuum? There’s a five-year guarantee on that.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “I’ve already told my family to gather round and start filming to make sure there’s a video of my reaction. I just hope I don’t cry too much.”