A COUPLE expecting their first child have discovered every potential baby name has been ruined by some freaky bastard one of them has met.
Emma Bradford and partner Tom were looking forward to bringing new life into the world but cannot find a name for their child that would not bring back memories of a kid in the year above who used to light his farts.
Emma said: “I liked Oliver, but Tom used to have an upstairs neighbour called Oliver who it was rumoured trapped and ate the neighbourhood cats, so that’s out. He shuddered when I said it.
“If it’s a girl he likes Naomi, Alicia, Holly or Zara, all of whom are massive bitches who I’ve despised. My daughter can’t be sullied by memories of them. I’d still fight Zara if I saw her again, and I’m seven months pregnant.
“He went on a lads’ holiday with a Zack who used to put his dick in your drink. I had an ex called Theo who dumped me during a Venice citybreak. And, like everyone, we’ve never met a pleasant Ashley of either sex.
“Basically every name in the world has been the name of a dickhead at some point and it seems we’ve met most of them.
“I guess we’ll have to settle on something traditional without any negative connotations for either of us, like Adolf or Beelzebub.”