Anti-masker to find new ways of being a prick after July 19th

AN anti-mask activist is racking his brains for ways to make a prick of himself when the rules on face coverings change, he has confirmed. 

Bill McKay is counting down the days until he does not have to obey the rules he has been ignoring for months by thinking of alternative public health measures he can disregard in return for attention.

McKay said: “Elasticated pieces of fabric that save lives have been a real boon for pathetic contrarian twats like me. But with that party winding down I’ll be forced to diversify.

“Come July 20 you can expect to see me protesting against seatbelts, saying it’s a nonsense we can’t smoke in pubs, and throwing defibrillators in canals. And when I’m not doing that I’ll only be taking one lateral flow test a week. Stick that, The Man.

“I’m also busy thinking of nicknames for hand sanitiser. All I’ve got so far is ‘woke juice’ but I’m sure there’s something edgier and more moronic in there somewhere.

“Or, if it’s easier, I might flip over and become a pro-mask zealot. I reckon I could get into bellowing at fellow bus passengers that they’re gambling with my life and my granny died because they refused to wear a simple mask.

“As long as I get to be a self-righteous wanker. That’s the main thing.”

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Six songs you now realise were always about drugs

WHEN you were young you thought music was about universal stuff like love, getting dumped or cars, not whatever the musician was high on. These songs make it obvious: 

Gold Dust Woman – Fleetwood Mac

This can’t be about drugs, because your dad used to have it on in the Ford Mondeo when he picked you up from swimming. Except lines like ‘Take your silver spoon and dig your grave’ make this unignorably about doing shitloads of cocaine while recording adult-oriented rock.

White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane

Pop music is awash with references to classic works of literature, so why wouldn’t a freaked-out 60s act write a jaunty tune about Alice in Wonderland and all the crazy adventures she has there? In retrospect, ‘pill’ is in the first line. You should’ve spotted this.

Addicted to Love – Robert Palmer

‘Your heart sweats, your body shakes’? ‘Oblivion is all you crave’? Go with your first instinct. In any song written between the seventies and the present day referencing love, substitute ‘drugs’ and it’ll still make sense.

Semi Charmed Life – Third Eye Blind

A 90s classic rare in the drug song genre because first it’s about crystal meth instead of the usual weed or acid, and second it actually makes the drugs sound bad instead of some amazing rock star shit you must get on immediately even though you’re 15. Still, great tune.

And She Was – Talking Heads

David Byrne’s kind of an art-school dude, so when you heard this as an innocent you assumed maybe he did know a woman who floated up into the sky and could hear a highway breathing. Well, turns out he did know a woman, and she was high as f**k.

Can’t Feel My Face – The Weeknd

Obviously you know this is about coke. Your kids, who sing along to the jaunty pop melody in the back seat? No idea. But in a decade or two they’ll succumb to peer pressure, do a line, be all ‘Wow, I can’t feel my face OH MY GOD’ and realise. The wheel comes full circle.