Experts confirm most gruelling exercise is 'shopping for jeans'

FITNESS experts and scientists have unanimously decided that the hardest exercise a human can do is going round the shops trying on new jeans. 

Even compared to the latest ‘tough’ fitness regimes, nothing is more punishing than spending all afternoon getting in and out of denim trousers in small changing rooms.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Top athletes were made to do activities such as boxing training, running 100-mile ultramarathons and shopping for jeans.

“In terms of calories burned and mental strain, trying on numerous pairs of jeans left all the athletes physically and mentally drained, with one needing medical help.

“It looks easy but after the fifth shop and the relentless routine of taking off your existing jeans to try yet another pair and them all looking terrible you’re totally ground down.”

Marathon runner Wayne Hayes said: “Trying on jeans works out the entire body, but it’s coming out of the cubicle and getting grudging feedback from your bored partner that breaks you.

“Skinny fit is the worst. That’s why shop assistants say ‘Are you alright in there?’. It’s in case you’ve died from shopping for jeans exhaustion.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Under no circumstances will man hold handbag for girlfriend in public

A MAN absolutely will not carry his partner’s handbag for her in public, ever. 

Stephen Malley is vehemently opposed to being seen in possession of a handbag in case he is considered a ‘sissy’ by passing strangers who almost certainly would not notice or care.

Malley said: “I’ve got nothing against gays or transsexuals, I just don’t feel being seen holding a handbag is right for me.

“I’m particularly concerned about being mocked by groups of teenage boys. I’m 38, pretty hard and it has never happened, but it still scares me.”

Malley’s partner Donna Sheridan said: “Goodness knows what’s going on in his head. He could hide it under his coat if he’s worried about being ostracised by the male community.

“Stupidly I once shoved my bag into his hands while I nipped into McDonald’s for a wee. He left it 10 metres away from where he was sitting and the police took it away for a controlled explosion.”

Malley said: “I only did what any normal man would do in that situation.”