Are you enough of a gobsh*te to be on Question Time?

BBC Question Time has faced criticism for the idiots it gives airtime to. So are you enough of a gobsh*te to be on the panel or in the audience? Take our test.

What are your thoughts on any given issue?

A) I try to be informed and realise most issues are complex without any simple answers.

B) I’m violently for or against things – mainly stuff I’ve been told to be angry about by the newspapers – and I will shout my opinions to show how right I am. 

If you were an audience member, what sort of question would you ask? 

A) Something topical everyone would like to know the answer to.

B) Not a question as such, more an incoherent rant about some bullsh*t like bendy bananas that makes viewers at home grit their teeth in embarrassment for me.

What is your opinion of recent panellists such as Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage and that Fox idiot?

A) It’s more about promoting themselves than adding to the debate. Also I would put them in a block of concrete and drop them in the sea. 

B) They are all brilliant thinkers who dare to speak the truth in the face of political correctness, wokeness and liberal fascism.

How would you behave if you were in the audience?

A) I would listen politely to the arguments.

B) I would boo other members of the audience I don’t agree with, and cheer like a lunatic at any banality uttered by a Brexiter.

Mostly As: Sorry, you’re nowhere near mouthy and overconfident enough. Come back when you’ve learned how to shout loudly and interrupt people.

Mostly Bs: Well done, you’re enough of a gobsh*te for Question Time! If you want to be on the panel make sure you’ve got some prime bullsh*t to sell because there’s a lot of competition.

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The six most pointless ways to panic about the coronavirus

THE coronavirus is on the other side of the world and experts are confident it will not affect you. So how are you losing your sh*t about it? 

Spreading rumours

Your local Facebook Swap & Meet group is the ideal place to say you saw somebody coughing who ‘didn’t look like they were from round here’. The rumour will go round your estate faster than any virus and give spying on your neighbours an extra thrill. 

Wearing a facemask

Being the only person on your bus or train wearing a facemask lets other passengers know you’re taking the threat of a pandemic seriously. Also it might make them think you’re infected, and you’ll get a seat to yourself. 

Refusing to drink Corona

Hitting the bar tonight? Become instantly outraged if anyone offers to buy you a Corona, slamming them for being ‘irresponsible’. If people snigger, tell them ‘It’s just not worth the risk’ like an idiot. You can also freak out if ‘Rhythm of the Night’ by 90s dance act Corona comes on, though this is less likely. 

Throwing away a Tesco Sweet & Sour Chinese Chicken Meal for One

It may have been made on an industrial estate in Doncaster and be unrecognisable to any Chinese person as their own cuisine, but you can’t be too careful. Have a nice safe cup of tea, imported from the Hubei province of China, instead. 

Reading up on symptoms

Watch out for the symptoms of the coronavirus, which include a runny nose, cough, sore throat and headache, then convince yourself you’ve got it even though these are also symptoms of living in Britain in January.

Putting your home on lockdown

Like Wuhan, your home is on lockdown this weekend. All unnecessary travel is banned and your family need to get their papers stamped to visit the bathroom. Watch something hysteria-inducing on Netflix and tape over the gaps in the windows.