Falling asleep on sofa linked to being a great lover

PEOPLE who fall asleep on the sofa with the TV are likely to be exceptional lovers, research has found. 

A study has proved that people who regularly nod off in the living room tend to have ‘pure dynamite in their loins’ and the sexual prowess of ‘10 lust-crazed lions in mating season’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It is a misconception that sofa snoozers are sleep-farting their way through life.

“Our research discovered that their sexual appetite is so powerful and their animal energy so intense that they need to switch off from it completely every evening after dinner or risk burning out.”

Roy Hobbs, who has fallen asleep on the sofa between 9pm and 10pm every night since 2004, said: “I’m slumped, head back, mouth gaping open, snoring heavily and dribbling down my chin, because otherwise my erotic charge would reach hazardous levels.”

Wife Dawn confirmed:  “Our evenings together are like one long tantric sex session, endlessly delaying the climax. Often with a half-done Sudoku on my lap.”

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Middle-aged friends play high-stakes game of chicken by planning to meet up

TWO middle-aged friends are playing a dangerous game of chicken by planning to meet for a bite to eat and a few drinks. 

Tom Logan and Stephen Malley are each desperately hoping that the other will pull out of next week’s plan while trying to keep their nerve and not crack first.

Logan said: “Five days left. This one is going down to the wire.

“Steve is my best friend and one of my favourite people in the world, but come on. Leaving the house on a weekday night? That’s not happening.

“We made plans in a rush of warm feelings two months ago and now our bastard phone calendars are insisting we actually go through with it on a cold weekday evening.

“I tried saving face by suggesting we go large, leave the cars at home and have an all-nighter but he just responded with a thumbs-up emoji so the stakes are even higher.”

Malley said: “Christ. This might actually happen.

“I backed out last time, so I’ve got to go through with it no matter what. But if I end up having a fun night out with an old friend I’ll never ever forgive him.”