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Family barbecuing in autumn against all nature

A FAMILY plans to violate all natural law by holding a barbecue this weekend even though it is September.

The Logan family have purchased sausages, burgers, charcoal and hickory wood for a barbecue neighbours have described as ‘spitting in the face of God’.

Friend Helen Archer said: “They think that just because it’s sunny, they can have a barbecue? Running contrary to all natural law? Upsetting a balance that may never be righted?

“Why don’t they go ahead and break out the prosecco and deckchairs and ‘Tom’s Summer Playlist 23!’ to really incur the wrath of our Druidic forebears who will surely smite them with lightning? Oh, apparently they are.

“Barbecues are for summer. End of. They’re not weather-related, otherwise why would we have them in the pissing rain? They’re bringing down a curse upon us. If our house prices fall, it’s their fault.”

Tom Logan said: “What’s the problem? It’s a lovely day, not a cloud in the sky, and this is our way of saying ‘Hail Satan. Let these sausages burn like our flesh in your fires eternal.’”

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Six sexual positions for when it's f**king boiling

HORNY but unable to bear the red-hot sticky clutches of your partner? Try these low-contact sexual positions:

Hole in the sheet

That sheet you’ve been sleeping under since this relentless assault by the sun began? Cut a little hole, being careful not to take the gentleman’s word for it on girth, and use it to stop flesh touching overheated, clammy flesh as you go at it. Has the added bonus of making sex as detached and anonymous as if you’d met on Tinder.

Straddling a fan

Invite the third party who’s already been standing sentinel in your bedroom into your actual lovemaking. Lie the fan down, keeping it on rotate like a naughty little bitch so it thrashes and moans, and f**k bent over it with constant cool airflow on your thrusting. Do not let balls hit the fan to avoid giving rise to the expression ‘when the balls hit the fan’.

Ice-cube blowjob

A cliche of sexual adventurism given new life in this bloody heat. Keep a glass of ice-cubes next to you and combine the twin pleasures of cool ice tantalising your tongue and a big hot red cock. Judicious application of the former to the latter could even curtail the whole thing, but probably not because men can f**k through anything.

The high-kick

You’ve seen the positions in porn, where the lady holds her leg up and out of the way, coincidentally giving the camera an unobstructed view? Where the only point of contact between the two actors is genital? Try that, but replace the jaded cameraman with an open window and a lovely stiff breeze.

Islands in the stream

Climb into the bath, turn the shower on cold, and make love like you’ve spontaneously decided to do so in a mountain stream during a rainstorm. Relish every cold drop on your skin. Let it trickle down between you, reducing your core temperature, keeping everything fresh. Fantasise that you’re both salmon and after this will die happy and fulfilled.

Having a massive knob

If your cock was big enough, you hypothesise, it could get in the lady – the very act of which naturally provides you both with all the sexual satisfaction you could ever need – while you were still six inches to a foot away from her. And you’re always getting emails offering to enlarge your penis. Worth looking into while she gets herself off upstairs.

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