HORNY but unable to bear the red-hot sticky clutches of your partner? Try these low-contact sexual positions:
Hole in the sheet
That sheet you’ve been sleeping under since this relentless assault by the sun began? Cut a little hole, being careful not to take the gentleman’s word for it on girth, and use it to stop flesh touching overheated, clammy flesh as you go at it. Has the added bonus of making sex as detached and anonymous as if you’d met on Tinder.
Straddling a fan
Invite the third party who’s already been standing sentinel in your bedroom into your actual lovemaking. Lie the fan down, keeping it on rotate like a naughty little bitch so it thrashes and moans, and f**k bent over it with constant cool airflow on your thrusting. Do not let balls hit the fan to avoid giving rise to the expression ‘when the balls hit the fan’.
A cliche of sexual adventurism given new life in this bloody heat. Keep a glass of ice-cubes next to you and combine the twin pleasures of cool ice tantalising your tongue and a big hot red cock. Judicious application of the former to the latter could even curtail the whole thing, but probably not because men can f**k through anything.
You’ve seen the positions in porn, where the lady holds her leg up and out of the way, coincidentally giving the camera an unobstructed view? Where the only point of contact between the two actors is genital? Try that, but replace the jaded cameraman with an open window and a lovely stiff breeze.
Islands in the stream
Climb into the bath, turn the shower on cold, and make love like you’ve spontaneously decided to do so in a mountain stream during a rainstorm. Relish every cold drop on your skin. Let it trickle down between you, reducing your core temperature, keeping everything fresh. Fantasise that you’re both salmon and after this will die happy and fulfilled.
Having a massive knob
If your cock was big enough, you hypothesise, it could get in the lady – the very act of which naturally provides you both with all the sexual satisfaction you could ever need – while you were still six inches to a foot away from her. And you’re always getting emails offering to enlarge your penis. Worth looking into while she gets herself off upstairs.