Family visiting seaside remember why they stopped going

A FAMILY that decided to go to the seaside for the first time in years were quickly reminded that Britain’s coastal towns are dilapidated shitholes.

The Johnson family sat in gridlock for three hours so they could enjoy a day trip to a crowded estuary beach, only to pack up and leave within minutes of laying out their towels because it was too miserable to endure.

Francesca Johnson said: “We thought the tacky English seaside vibe would be fun in an ironic way, but all it did was confirm that we’ve been doing the right thing by spending our holidays in Tuscany.

“We’d planned to have some quality family time building sand castles and swimming in the sea. Instead we bonded by looking out for syringes and throwing rocks at seagulls to keep them away from our food.”

Husband Tom said: “There’s not much to do at the beach apart from gaze off into the middle distance and contemplate the futility of life. And I already get enough of that through work.

“I was hoping a shark would eat someone just to liven things up.”

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Which lapses in judgement are you blaming on the pandemic?

WITH so many confusing rules flying around it’s hard to know what you’re allowed to do anymore, so which obvious lapses in judgement are you pinnng on the pandemic?

Shagging your ex

Lots of us are going through a two-month-long dry spell right now, but that’s no reason to buckle and get within two metres of someone who chucked you for their fitness instructor. Mind you, nothing tastes sweeter than forbidden fruit even if it makes you want to vomit afterwards.

Gambling away your furlough pay

It’s easy to feel like money doesn’t exist anymore if you’re being bailed out by the government. Don’t let this go to your head and risk it all on online poker though. Bailiffs are still working and will be more than happy to strip your flat bare.

Eating crap constantly

Staying up to date on the unfolding nightmare is exhausting work, so you need plenty of energy. Stuffing your face with nothing except biscuits, crisps and cheese will give you the stamina you need for those late night scrolls through Twitter, as well as a looming heart attack.

Buying lycra

Were you one of those people who thought the lockdown would be the perfect time to get fit and nailed your colours to the mast by investing in some lycra clothing? Two months in and the only reason you’ve started wearing it is because nothing else is stretchy enough to contain your increasingly large arse.

Telling your boss to f**k off

Manager piling on the pressure? Try to resist the urge to tell them to go fuck themselves. The job market’s slim pickings right now and the economic outlook for the next decade is gloomy. If you have to let rip, turn your Zoom mic off first.