Fanny, growler, minge: What your choice of word for vaginas says about you

THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you? 


A wonderfully traditional name for female genitals, and probably used by the Famous Five. It conjures up images of chintz, fine china and frilly lace curtains, and as such is the vaginal slang of choice for the polite middle-class. Your bourgeois status is assured if you say: ‘I’m a big proponent of wild swimming. It really cools your fanny.’

Front bottom

This term lets everyone know you have no understanding of female anatomy. It also implies a fear of genitals, instead invoking the comforting familiarity of an arse. If you use this phrase you might find yourself saying: ‘She let me see her front bottom, and it was not what I expected.’

Foo foo

A name used exclusively by virgins, the sexually repressed and Dave Grohl. Its childish nature suggests you wish vaginas were an asexual thing like teddy bears, toy poodles or Baby Yodas. Probably used by those nauseating couples who have no sense of embarrassment when it comes to cloying baby talk, eg. ‘Does Mr Wobbly Hat want to visit Foo Foo Land?’

Flower (sometimes ‘precious’)

A favourite of overbearing mothers and grandmothers warning that sexual encounters will ruin a woman’s purity, eg. ‘He took her flower out of wedlock and after that no respectable man wanted her and she died a lonely spinster.’ Not really something to worry about in 2024.

Lady bits

Suggests you feel ill-at-ease dealing with vaginas. It’s almost always accompanied by lowering your voice, scrunching up your face in an embarrassed grimace, and vaguely gesturing toward your genitals, usually while saying something like: ‘I picked up the necessaries from Boots, locked the bathroom door and attended to my (sotto voce) lady bits. Anyway, enough of that, who wants a scone?’


A term favoured by teenage boys and insecure men who want to let everyone know they are getting some. It’s distinctly juvenile so can be used interchangeably with terms like twat, sausage wallet and muff. Often accompanied by a snigger, a clinking of bottles and a chorus of ‘Oi oi!. Typical use in a sentence: ‘I was fingering Kayleigh Carter’s minge behind the sports hall, but then I woke up.’


Often used to describe an older, hairy or butch vagina. An odd one that makes you sound like a member of a female biker gang or some grizzled old bloke reminiscing about depressing sexual conquests of the 80s: ‘Her growler was a right mess. It was like poking Gerry Adams’ beard.’


A versatile term which can sound edgy and cool (as with Pussy Riot), be used as an insult for someone pathetic, or simply mean a cat. It’s a favourite of lesbian punk rockers, American presidents and rappers, to the extent that nowadays you’re less likely to hear someone saying ‘Here pussy pussy pussy!’ than ‘I’m going to put a cap in your pussy ass’.


A visceral description for a vagina, disturbingly also referring to a wound. Its general horridness means its use is largely restricted to Sid the Sexist-type blokes, eg. ‘The Spoons by the station is heaving with gash most Fridays.’

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How to help in a life-threatening situation by filming it on your phone

FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.

Don’t call 999

It’s easy to become flustered when trying to use two phone apps simultaneously, so don’t take the risk of accidentally pausing filming to call 999. Someone else is probably doing it anyway. Supposedly every second counts with traumatic injuries sustained in a car crash or a stabbing, but people do contain quite a lot of blood.

Don’t take unnecessary risks

Your safety – and that of your phone – is paramount. If you see a group of teenage girls, who pose little threat to a grown man, battering another teen, don’t just go over and break it up. Instead film the beating in full from the safety of your flat across the road. Not every hero wears a cape, as they say. And not every hero needs to get involved if they’ve got a decent zoom function.

Help paramedics by getting in their way

Paramedics have a valuable role when someone is injured, but they don’t have time to record intrusive footage of the victim for social media. It’s up to you to get in there, blocking their way and ignoring their requests to move so they can administer CPR. They can get quite irate, but cut them some slack – they’ve got a difficult job.

Be aware of other road users

When driving, don’t get distracted by fast-moving traffic near you – your attention should be focused on whether there’s been an accident up ahead. You may only have seconds to slam on your brakes while doing 60 to get decent footage of the mangled wreckage and – if Lady Luck is smiling that day – a body! 

Learn basic filming techniques

There’s nothing worse than someone recording excellent footage, but in narrow vertical ‘portrait’ format. Learn basic cinematography so you can do justice to the scale and majesty of 20 youths having a thrilling gang fight in South London. It they’ve made the effort to bring machetes and run someone over with a car, you can surely bother to remember to film it in landscape. 

Police officers don’t need your help

If you see a lone policeman or woman surrounded by a threatening crowd, don’t try to help in any way, just keep filming for ages as the situation gradually deteriorates. Police officers are highly trained professionals who should have no difficult subduing 15 yobs with a tiny little baton. Also you might get punched yourself, and that’s just another annoying crime for them to solve.

Raise awareness with a funny caption

When you upload your footage of a cyclist trapped under the bumper of a Ford Transit, add an amusing caption, eg. ‘One of those should-have-stayed-in-bed days!!!’ with a grumpy face emoji. This will increase the number of people sharing the clip and thus raise awareness of road safety, ultimately saving countless lives. Give yourself a pat on the back – phone users rarely get the recognition they deserve for doing absolutely f**k all to help.