Five batshit things to wake up in the night and worry about

SLEEPING a bit too well at the moment? Here are five mad and pointless questions that are sure to keep you up all night.

What if I have a symptomless terminal illness?

You seem to be in good health but what if your body is secretly falling apart on the inside? What if that three-day hangover was an undiscovered deadly illness? You’d better hop onto Google for a few hours and freak yourself out.

What if I left the oven on in the flat I lived in two years ago?

It’s admittedly been a while since you moved out but your sleep-deprived brain is unlikely to let the matter rest. Imagine the guilt if your negligence blew the whole street to smithereens. Better drop the landlord a quick late-night text to be safe.

What if some obscure religion ends up being right?

You’ve had time to weigh up the more mainstream religions, but what if the ancient Egyptians were actually onto something? Time to start mentally drafting the speech you’ll give to Ra when you turn up in the afterlife all sheepish.

What if I sleepwalk and accidentally kill someone?

If you’re close to falling asleep, consider the idea that you might end up an unwitting murderer if you do. Now’s the perfect opportunity to rehearse what you’ll say in your TV interview with Piers Morgan after a long, fraught trial.

What if someone I love spontaneously combusts?

Your waking brain knows it’s bollocks, but suddenly there is something convincing about a relative bursting into flames as they walk down the street. You should wake your partner up and tell them your fears, if only so they can worry pointlessly about it too.

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Family who watched same-sex couple on Strictly now all gay

A FAMILY of four who watched two women doing a dance together on Strictly Come Dancing have confirmed that they all turned into homosexuals immediately afterwards.

Martin and Nikki Bishop, and their children Oliver and Sophie, tuned in on Saturday night to see Nicola Adams perform with Katya Jones and were surprised to find they all instantly became gay.

Nikki Bishop said: “It turns out all those people who make a fuss about watching non-traditional gender pairings on telly are right. You turn into a raging queer.

“When they first started dancing I’d never even considered I could bat for the other team. But the moment the judges started giving their scores I realised something had fundamentally changed within those two minutes.

“Martin and the kids said the same. Who would have thought you could absorb something as innate as a sexual preference simply through watching it with your eyeballs?

“We turned it off before Jamie Laing came on. We didn’t want to become posh twats from Chelsea too.”