How to be a WhatsApp dickhead

RESEARCH shows that most adults now spend 100 per cent of their day titting about on WhatsApp. Here’s how to make sure you’re being a real dick about it:

Turn off the blue ticks

By turning off your read receipts you add an exciting element of mystery to your WhatsApp communication. Whether your friends are worried that you hate them or don’t know whether you’ll be there to collect them from the station, it will keep them on their toes.

Write a novel

Instead of just keeping your sodding feelings to yourself, why not respond to a quick ‘How’s things?’ with a heartfelt missive about all your recent doubts and dreams that will have your friend scrolling for a full 10 minutes. It’ll demand more than the simple thumbs-up emoji they were going to whack over.

Torture people with voice notes

Perhaps your partner was hoping to glance down and see what time they need to fetch the kids whilst on a work Zoom call? Well, they can’t if you choose to leave a rambling voice message instead. It’s a stellar way to make life easy for you and more of a ball-ache for others.

Start a dull two-way conversation in a group

Want to ask a specific person for advice about whether the new doorbell he bought worked out well for him? Then why not ask him through the squash club group? Then everyone can relish receiving 150 notifications about your deeply tedious conversation.

Split it up

Sending messages sentence by sentence will ensure maximum disturbance, one ‘ping’ at a time. This is particularly effective after midnight and when messaging large groups: there’s nothing your old uni mates will enjoy more than you lighting up their night with a firework display of alerts.

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Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends

A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1. 

Nathan Muir of Sheffield believes his personal compromise with the government’s pandemic prevention system offers everyone involved the best of both worlds.

He said: “Monday to Friday, I’m fully tier 3. I’ve no argument with the government’s lockdown and I observe it to the letter. I literally do f**k all.

“Friday night through Sunday night, as a reward for being so strictly observant through the week, I’m back in tier 1. Mixing with other households in the pub, the curry house, the pub again, then back to Rob’s for some cans and a modest party.

“We’re tier 2 here, you see, so by charting a course exactly between tier 1 and tier 3 I’m perfectly in line with the rules and following the science.”

He added: “They should move onto something like this nationally. Bet Chris Whitty will be embarrassed he didn’t think of it first.”